Friday, November 17, 2006

Mac & Cheese, Peach Cobbler, Bullshit, and Hell No

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Thanksgiving, 2005.

Last year, my father came to visit. No one in the family had seen him in several years. Now, my family is not as close as others, but it was a great experience to have him back in town. Before I go any further, let me give you the players of the game so you can follow the story. The names have been changed to protect the guilty:

Rose Colored Glasses: My Mother
Rich and Stingy: My Brother
Queen of Sheba: My Sister in Law
Diamond: My niece
Frick and Frack: My sister in law's two kids
The Ying Yang Twins: My brother's two kids
P: Yours truly.

Considering that my mother wanted to plan a big event for the family to be around, I insisted that it be held at my place. People could just come in and out all day, and do what they do. However, my mother suggested that we have it at Rich and Stingy's house. I didn't want to, but hey if my mother likes it, I loved it.

Queen of Sheba doesn't know how to cook. All she knows how to cook are greens. So, my mother and I prepared the entire meal. I wasn't going to cook much, but I know my mother would have tried to go all out by herself and I was only trying to help HER out. . .Really. If anybody knows me, it was strickly because of Rose Colored Glasses and her idea of what a holiday should be.

Everything I am about to tell you now, I did NOT find out until a week after Thanksgiving, because my mother knew that I would blow my turkey feathers. Rich and Stingy initially told my mother that if we had the dinner over his house, there could be no kids allowed. (I have 12 nieces and nephews - 2 of which come from him). Rose Colored Glasses then said "We won't have it there, then. I am sure the Ying Yang Twins and Frick and Frack will be there, and I'm doing all the cooking? You must be crazy."

He calls her back and says: "Okay, well kids can come". Later on Queen of Sheba calls my mother and let's her know that she is not cooking anything because she's too busy to be bothered with that kind of stuff. (They have been married for two years. She doesn't clean nor cook - he married the wrong woman, that's another story).

Then we find out that Diamond's brother (my sister's children), a man/child who has had some er, trouble with the law, was promptly seen as Bin Laden himself by Queen of Sheba and Rich and Stingy, because they were in fear of their lives (buh-leeve me when I say it wasn't that serious).

(reminder: I know none of this until a week after).

After I stay up until three am doing everything, and then packing the food in my mother's SUV, and then going to sleep for awhile. I get over there, her family is not speaking to anybody, they are lapping up the food like there is no tomorrow and taking plates home to boot. I had to hoo-bang on her sister, who was blocking the back doorway, looking at me. I asked, "Are you going to move, or am I going to move you?"

So, immediately after eating, the Queen of Sheba revs out the door with her Louie Vuitton bag and her family, no doubt to hang out with her mother and discuss (read: gossip) about everything and everybody.

Trust me when I tell you that I am making this sound good. . .

Fast Forward - Week of November 18, 2006: Email Received:

From: Rich and Stingy
To: P
Re: Mac and Cheese, Peach Cobber

Need to contract with you and mom for Thanksgiving. Think you all help? Food for about 10-15 people. Let me know. Thanks.

((Insert Blank Face here)). WTF??
1. Who are the 10/15 people? Must mean a pre-scheduled list that you and the Queen of Sheba make up, considering you and yours and hers make up 6? And I'm supposed to be cooking? Are you NUTS?

2. Does Rose colored glasses and P look like indentured servants?

3. Does he think I give a phuck after what happened last year, not that I wanted to participate, THEN?

4. See 1-3.
So, as you know, my prompt response to all of this was:
Bull Shit, and Hell No.
Do you have any NERVY friends/relatives? Or, have you had a memorable Thanksgiving to speak about (Good or Bad - but of course, you KNOW we love drama here at KPAT-FM).


J. G. said...

LOL!!! I want some mac and cheese!!!! Anyway its pretty much low key at our house cause everyone is getting drunk you know how us mexican's do things.

PS first Bitches

Its Pam said...

lol, aaahhh no. Thanksgiving at my house consists of my mother-in-law cooking WAAAAAY too much and only 5-10 family members in addition to the 6 in my house. Everyone (family) always has a dinner, so we kinda go and snack there and say "OURS IS BETTER". hahaha. But im black and we I think we get just as drunk as those mexicans do (smile). Nothing wrong with a before, during and after dinner drank.

bunny said...

Rich and stingy and the Queen of Sheba, I love those names. Why we always gotta go all out for this one totally bullshit day?

Seriously? I can not stand Thanksgiving for all the false fakey fake crap that goes on. My family is a bunch of thieving crackheads so back in the day if they showed up, my brother and I had to be on tag team duty to make sure nothing left up out of here.

Lately though Thanksgiving has been quiet cause all the crackhead fam moved to Vegas.

Just give me a burger and some wine and that would be a Happy Thanksgving for me.

Supa said...

Hey P!!!!

African girl, American world said...

ok Queen of Sheba sounds like one hell of a trip...looking forward to reading more about all of them.

And no drama so far...lets wait till next week. It is bound to be different.

T. Cas said...

I'll give you a memorable Thanksgiving:

My 23rd birthday was the day before Thanksgiving. We went out drinking and clubbing. Some cheap azz gin and orange juice, (Cuz Snoop told us to, LOL)

Anyway, I woke up Thanksgiving morning at my homeboy's mother's house with no recollection of how I got there, just had little flashbacks of falling asleep in the club, getting pulled over by the cops (thank God I wasn't driving)and other general debauchery.

When I went to my grandma's house, I was still so drunk that I couldn't hold my fork because my hand was shaking, much less eat anything. I told my family that I had the flu, but they had to know I had alcohol poisoning. Luckily, we are a repressed family that doesn't talk about bad stuff.

T. Cas said...

And yes, I know I just blogged in your comments. LMAO

The Mistress said...

I have one uncle who's always either drunk at Thanksgiving or calling us collect from jail.

chele said...

contract with you and Mom?

WTF, indeed.

His bougeouis wife better call (and pay for) a caterer.

Memorable Thanksgivings? All my Thanksgivings are memorable. I love them. No drama just good food and fun.

Sangindiva said...

HI P!!

You are crazy!!
Girl our family dosen't even DO thanksgiving-
my mom used to before we got grown...
Now I just beg for plates like the homeless!

Miz JJ said...

Why are people so crazy?? Rich & Stingy and the Queen of Sheba sound like a real piece of work. Have they responded to your email yet??

Unruly Brown said...

What in the hell? CONTRACT with you and your mother? The hell you look like? The cooks?? Tell that clown to go to Albertson's or Kroger's or Tom Thumb or Target or whatever the equivalent grocery store is there and STFU!! I'm glad you ain't no punk. I'd have been mad if you said ok. LOL

Boy. "Think you all help?" WTF?

Nah, my posse never has drama on holidays. We have that the rest of the time. j/k hehehe

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

Oh, so now, y'all some dayum caterers. Whatever. That's who he'd be calling. Shoooot!

I have the nervy relatives. Call up mom, and show up at her doorstep with freshly slaughtered deer parts and grocery bags for collard green bushels. The worst is when this negroid would show up with buckets of chit.ter.lings.

God help her if she doesn't have time to prepare HIS feast that he relunctantly invited her to....

I think she's nice to him because he's worth more dead than alive. For all I know, she's hoping he remembers her in his will. LoL

Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving is my absolute favorite holiday..... all the food without having to buy any of the presents! Way better than xmas if you ask me!

My family would scare the shit out of people....we've been telling the same jokes and dumb ass stories for ever. I swear to's like feast of the living dead. Christmas is the same damn thing...but at TG we just eat and hope noone brings up some serious shit. Let's see if I can do this quickly as to stop freakin' bloggin' in your comments....

Picture this..Mom's house, dad there with 5th wife, brother there with wife who got caught having not 1 but 2 affairs, my self (recently divorced, no one asked why) and my twin nieces (age 18).

We eat, we drink, and everyone leaves...... AAAAANnnnnd Then...they all talk shit about ME later!!

Miss Ahmad said...

that's pretty damn funny.

i have a few people in my life like that, but mostly these days i can only laugh and say that i don't have it to give i mean hell if I don't have it I don't have it.

for example someone who invited themselves and two or three friends to "crash" in my hotel room.

can't blame 'em for trying but umm, no i won't be able to do any hosting.

The holidays are a mess but luckily we've been able to scale down Thanksgiving into something close to normal, with immediate family only.

nikki said...

what in da HELL? LMAO@at the nerve.

my moment with the crazy relatives:

had one cousin call me collect from jail to ask for money to bail him out. he was in jail cuz he stole our grandmother's wedding bands.

surely he must have been out of his damn mind. i accepted the call just so i could tell him to go fuck himself.

J said...

Don't have any juicy Thanksgiving stories...but I am cooking this year...and your grade A mac n cheese recipe is on the menu!

Have a Happy "drama free: Thanksgiving Miss P!

P said...

PS: Have you noticed that a lot of folks end up in jail around this time. . .


Is that just my sister that acts a fool around this time. AND. . .

It's always thanksgiving!

Angry in L.A. said...

hoo bang...I have not heard that since my days working Dorthy Kirby Probation camp in LA.

Hopefully your fmaily Christmas will go a lot smoother than Thanksgiving.

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

Ok, I know I'm late responding to this post (only because I heard the story first hand), but LAWD if reading it wasn't FUNNIER THAN SHIT!! I LOVE IT!!

And yo...I love the names you gave everybody...that shit IS CLASSIC!!

I'mma go back and read it again so I can LMAO - OL!

P said...

@ Tam:

The only reason why you like the names, is because you know the people indirectly and you know how they act, particularly my mom and my brother. . .