Friday, November 17, 2006
Mac & Cheese, Peach Cobbler, Bullshit, and Hell No
Last year, my father came to visit. No one in the family had seen him in several years. Now, my family is not as close as others, but it was a great experience to have him back in town. Before I go any further, let me give you the players of the game so you can follow the story. The names have been changed to protect the guilty:
Rose Colored Glasses: My Mother
Rich and Stingy: My Brother
Queen of Sheba: My Sister in Law
Diamond: My niece
Frick and Frack: My sister in law's two kids
The Ying Yang Twins: My brother's two kids
P: Yours truly.
Considering that my mother wanted to plan a big event for the family to be around, I insisted that it be held at my place. People could just come in and out all day, and do what they do. However, my mother suggested that we have it at Rich and Stingy's house. I didn't want to, but hey if my mother likes it, I loved it.
Queen of Sheba doesn't know how to cook. All she knows how to cook are greens. So, my mother and I prepared the entire meal. I wasn't going to cook much, but I know my mother would have tried to go all out by herself and I was only trying to help HER out. . .Really. If anybody knows me, it was strickly because of Rose Colored Glasses and her idea of what a holiday should be.
Everything I am about to tell you now, I did NOT find out until a week after Thanksgiving, because my mother knew that I would blow my turkey feathers. Rich and Stingy initially told my mother that if we had the dinner over his house, there could be no kids allowed. (I have 12 nieces and nephews - 2 of which come from him). Rose Colored Glasses then said "We won't have it there, then. I am sure the Ying Yang Twins and Frick and Frack will be there, and I'm doing all the cooking? You must be crazy."
He calls her back and says: "Okay, well kids can come". Later on Queen of Sheba calls my mother and let's her know that she is not cooking anything because she's too busy to be bothered with that kind of stuff. (They have been married for two years. She doesn't clean nor cook - he married the wrong woman, that's another story).
Then we find out that Diamond's brother (my sister's children), a man/child who has had some er, trouble with the law, was promptly seen as Bin Laden himself by Queen of Sheba and Rich and Stingy, because they were in fear of their lives (buh-leeve me when I say it wasn't that serious).
(reminder: I know none of this until a week after).
After I stay up until three am doing everything, and then packing the food in my mother's SUV, and then going to sleep for awhile. I get over there, her family is not speaking to anybody, they are lapping up the food like there is no tomorrow and taking plates home to boot. I had to hoo-bang on her sister, who was blocking the back doorway, looking at me. I asked, "Are you going to move, or am I going to move you?"
So, immediately after eating, the Queen of Sheba revs out the door with her Louie Vuitton bag and her family, no doubt to hang out with her mother and discuss (read: gossip) about everything and everybody.
Trust me when I tell you that I am making this sound good. . .
Fast Forward - Week of November 18, 2006: Email Received:
From: Rich and Stingy
Re: Mac and Cheese, Peach Cobber
Need to contract with you and mom for Thanksgiving. Think you all help? Food for about 10-15 people. Let me know. Thanks.
((Insert Blank Face here)). WTF??
1. Who are the 10/15 people? Must mean a pre-scheduled list that you and the Queen of Sheba make up, considering you and yours and hers make up 6? And I'm supposed to be cooking? Are you NUTS?
2. Does Rose colored glasses and P look like indentured servants?
3. Does he think I give a phuck after what happened last year, not that I wanted to participate, THEN?
4. See 1-3.
So, as you know, my prompt response to all of this was:
Bull Shit, and Hell No.
Do you have any NERVY friends/relatives? Or, have you had a memorable Thanksgiving to speak about (Good or Bad - but of course, you KNOW we love drama here at KPAT-FM).