Sunday, September 09, 2007

Hell Date

Tall.Dark.Sexy.Professional Ball Player. The guy who approached me in the mall several years ago. And although the "my knee got messed up and I couldn't play in the pros for the NBA so now I'm playing overseas" line is kind of played right now, it was still cool back in the nineties.

Needless to say, the brother got a date. Not because he was a ballplayer, but because he was cute, not to mention he had nice hands, and I've got a thing for nice hands on a man. Nothing effiminate, but if you are going to be rubbing on me, I would prefer that you don't bite your nails to a quick and give me any more marks that I received roughhousing as a little tyke.

We decided upon everyone's faux-pas Mexican restaurant, El Torito. Upon arriving there, he starts patting his pockets, similar to the way a man would if he was trying to find his keys. After about half a minute, I offer the obligatory "What's Wrong?" comment, to which he says:

"Dammit, I forgot my ATM Card!"

(Insert black stare here)

I don't know what kind of new fool he thought I was, so I asked him "Well, do you want to go back and get it?" He said naw, and that he would have more than enough cash on him. Meanwhile, he's still patting himself down like he's doing a self check for the LAPD.

As we approached the front door, he was beckoning me towards sitting in the bar area. I said no, and he wanted to know why. I told him: For one , I don't drink, and for two, there is plenty of seating available in the regular section. Then all of a sudden, he looks at me with this incredulous look on his face and says:

"What, you don't want no WINGS?? No chips and Salsa?? I got me a taste for some WINGS!"

He must be smoking that good sh**. He doesn't want to pay for a dinner, and he is trying to get us to sit down and have some appetizers to substitute FOR that. After going back and forth with him, I gave into his wing tantrum and went into the bar area, STRICTLY BECAUSE I WANTED THIS DATE TO BE OVER WITH. Needless to say, my appetite was GONE - but NOT his. . . He proceeded to eat those hot wings, chips and salsa like he was one of the children from the Christian Children's Fund. I went through about a thirty minute torture session with him trying to reach over and rub my arms, to which, I gave him frequent dirty looks.

I was totally disgusted. Not because of the appetizers or because I am high maintenance, but because he tried to PLAY ME. And thats not cool. So, anyway, when we get back to his house (I had driven my car over there and we rode together to the restaurant), he pulled up in front of my house, and asked me did I want to come in. Assuming that he wanted me to 'cum' in and not come in, I respectfully declined. He then started rubbing on my legs. I moved his hand away. Then he asked to see my feet.

Hells Bells, why not. Do you know this fool reached over and started sucking my toes??

((Insert appalled look here))

I yanked my foot out of his mouth and grabbed my shoe, and slammed the door on him, never looked back, and didn't lose any sleep over him.

Well, that's not exactly true. . .

About six months later, I left the television on one night, and the show "Change of Heart" came on. You remember that show, don't you? A couple would come on, trying to salvage their relationship, and then they would go on separate dates to see if they still wanted to hang with each other. In my groggy, slob induced sleep, I hear HIS name and HIS voice. I jumped straight up, scared that he was inhabiting my dreams like Freddy Krueger. Needless to say, he was on there, and guess what else.



Tell us AboutYOUR Hell Date? Anyone you know been on one? Are YOU a hell date?


onecoolhoney said...

LMAO! Noooo, not Change of Heart!! HAHAHA

Classic story! I'm glad you asked that fool if he'd like to go back and get it though. LOL!

I can't remember any hell dates at the moment--may be that my mind is too preoccupied with the aftermath of dates I had last week. (See Privy for the stalker posts...smh)

Carmell said...

never been on a hell date... hell never really been on a real date! don't know anyone who has... least they never told me about it.

P said...

@ Tia:

All your little speed date antics, Panda Bear Exploits, et. al, and you don't have a story?!?!?

@ Carmell:

You've never been on a date?? Well, you sure participate in a lot of grown up nekkid fun!

Aunt Jackie said...

hey now! i like the new look, has someone switched to blogger beta?

My hell date was really quite funny, well would have been funnier without me. It was a guy who I'd been seeing who I meant to break up with but I needed him to water my plants while I was out of town. While out of town I met someone I liked better so our reunion was quite dreaded on my part.

My flight was late, traffic was bad, so on and so forth. I asked him to make sure that he had a drink for me and everyone who knows anything about me knows I drink vodka...specifically. So why on earth did he show up with a large bottle of Alize in one hand and an even larger bottle of Henny in the other.

Eventually he decided he needed to eat and Roscoes was the only option. I was tired, jet lagged and still in need of a drink.

He being of biracial background didn't seem too comfortable with the late night crowd of thugs and hustlers, and when he ordered smothered chicken that didn't look too delicious and the thugs at the other table started making fun of him and he did nothing but ignore them, I got pissed, told them to shut the fuck up and left...

I never did get that drink either!

smoothie said...


Ya know, when they profile serial killers one of the most common traits they all possess is a Foot Fetish..Im jus

U know you liked the gentle suckling of your toes much like a puppy would when indicating its time he went

Seriuosly sorry to hear about the date. I know this "sucks", but look at it this way, at least this brutha's profile is out there now..

Anonymous said...

Ummm..let me think.

Haven't been on too many hell dates but this one guy had been asking me for about 3 months could we go out. I always told him "I'll see" because he just wasn't my type. Finally I said yes. We made a date for the next day. This fool took me to Sonic drive-in.

P said...

@ Southern Gal:

That's a GREAT story. . .

WOW. See, we don't have any local Sonic's out here (to my knowledge - Tam, Aunt Jackie, keep me honest), so those commercials are already a hoot for me. . .

Sha Boogie said...

I am mad at you comparing him to the Christian Children's Fund!!!..LOL

Hey! So happy your back too :)

Uhm, I just had a helish ass (sex) date, I just posted, read up on it!

YouToldHarpoTaBeatMe said...

I had one date who stashed cheetos and soda in my purse. He was soooo loud.

Another movie date's ex-girl showed up to the theater as soon as the movie let out. They were outside screaming at each other. That was beyond embarassing, so I hailed a cab and went home.

Aly Cat 121 said...

okay, that was funny! I guess that whole "I'm an oversees ball player" line was just that, a line. *shakin head* I mean if dude didn't have any money for a date he could have just been honest about it.

I can't remember any "hell" dates but I suppose if you only go out with someone one time that could be considered a "hell" date.

That Girl Tam said...

Nice look...

This is the BEST post EVER!!!!

Oh my hell dates would have to be POSTS...not comments! HAHAHA!!

Nexgrl said...

How about we get in his car, leave my house, and he takes me to his Momma's PJ. We go into his room, and he proceeds to undress himself(this was a first date.) I gave him a crazy look and he asked if I was ready to go home, "Um, YES!"

P said...

@ Aunt Jackie:

The thing that I love most about your stories is that they always seem like tall tales, but they are so true, kind of like Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood stories on Chappelle's show!

@ Smoothie:

Yes, he weirded me out, and maybe under some warm summer night circumstances, his other advances would have been charming, but considering I was starving at that point, because he put a mutiny on the chicken wings, I was not interested in anything but getting out of that car!

@ Sha Boogie:

I read about your hell date, and it made me physically ill. Hell, you could have had a V-8.

@ Harpo: That stashing cheetos reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite and those dayum tater tots he had! And as for the girl showing up at the movies. I had something similar happen to me, but I was already at his house. Baby mama drama. Interesting enough, she is now DEAD, and for those who read this post on a regular basis, this guy is NOW paralyzed.

@Aly Cat: If you can't remember a bad date, then hell, my hats are off to you cuz I've got a few of them in my arsenal.

@ Tam:

Girl, I know you have plenty of escapades. I've heard about a FEW of them, okay?

@ NextGirl:

See, no, I can't even believe he had the nerve to drive you to his mama's house and then try to get grown on you. He was acting like a teenage boy whose parents were sleep for the night! Eew.

Miz JJ said...

LMAO @ sucking on your foot. WTH?!? Then Change of Heart? Woo. Hilarious.

Hell date? I guess I went on a date with a friend and he invited his friends and ignored me. I told them I was going to the washroom and never came back. He kept calling, but I never answered his calls. Punk.

P said...

@ Mz JJ:

Ugh. . . Why did he even invite his friends in the first place, and then had the nerve to igg you? I don't blame you.

Now he trying to call because his little ego was burst because you clowned him. Oh, well he shouldn't have been acting like Big Willie.

courtney said... Good post. :)
It's been a while since your last...*yeah, I'm usually a silent reader*...