Friday, June 23, 2006

How To Keep Your Job

If you're interested in keeping your verifiable source of income, from an HR Perspective, do NOT:

Buy personal concert tickets on your corporate credit card.

Purchase a brand new CLK when there is a grand total of 78K missing from the deposit slips when you were on shift each and every time closing.

Over the course of several years, get mad, say "I'm done, I quit", and then stalk off and leave and come back and say "I'm just playing, I'm not mad no more". (Sidebar: And GET mad when we (er THEY) term you out the system.

Break up with the guy in sales after he buys you a new pair of twins, and then wonder why he's so frustrated.

Steal money from the safe, indicating you have cancer, and then we check the records and find out you have full medical insurance, then admit you need the money for rent.

Play pocket pool in the lobby foyer of the corporate offices, pointing the "pool stick" at women who pass by.

Close the shop up for a few hours to go across the street to watch the playoff games, leaving a sign on the door indicating “If you need us, call ((insert bar name here))".

Buy the entire call center section that services your department (30 plus people) lunch and pass out “Jesus Loves You” buttons.

Go out on workers compensation, saying that your manager is racist against black folks without looking at the picture of her BLACK husband and BI-RACIAL children plastered on the walls.

Get Mad at your schedule, tell your store manager “Meet me outside in five minutes”.

Bring your wife and child in while you work on the weekends to hang out in the managers office, eat, and talking on the phone.

Borrow 1200.00 from an Executive, telling him you did-ent get your check, (when you did), and are nowhere to be found when it's time to re-coup the money.

Get free lunches from the cafeteria for yourself and your friends because you are the facilities manager.

Look up celebrities cell phone numbers and call them to see if it is, in fact, "Them".

Smoke the Sticky-Icky right before you come back from lunch.

Use the company-issued gas card to buy candy and treats at the local gas stations.

Pay your phone bill with a customer's credit card.

This is how you keep your job. Cocoa Girl on the job also gives you tips on how to know when you are going to get the boot.

What do you think about this list? Any interesting fiascos happen on your job that were the kiss of death for others - Maybe even you?

Live (and back, bitches) in LA, this is P, reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.


Cocoa Girl said...


Cocoa Girl said...

Okay, now that it's out the way...

P - PULEEZ tell Cocoa's brown azz that these instances listed were not REAL!

How about this one: As the only black man in power at your PR firm full of Jews, DO NOT book a chauffeured limo for you, your wife and your kids (going to school, your job and her job) EVERYDAY just b/c the CEO does it and b/c you work in accounting.

P said...

@ Cocoa:

I plead the fifth.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back...

another way not to keep your job.

Punch your boss, a sixty five year old woman (who happens to be NOT just the boss, but a trusted family friend who has paid bills and whatnot on numerous occasions) in the face for asking you to do a better job watching the kids.

chele said...

Welcome back!

Do NOT reach under your desk for a stack of reports that I gave you to complete six weeks ago and say, "Oh, I wasn't sure when you wanted these ..."

Yeah, that heffa was gone soon after that.

Miss Ahmad said...

do not under any and all circumstances get drunk and go to jail for two days and not tell your boss you're in jail but that you're sick, then get drunk again and tell everyone your jail story!

if you are a nanny, do not get drunk and pass out at the bus stop in the middle of the day and lose the kids, go to jail and then drink yourself into a black funk

Opps I'm sorry these people kept their jobs!


J. G. said...

First off I expect an email on who did what, I know who dum ass #1 is. What store closed to watch the finals and Who got a new pair of twins???

Ok so let's add to this list:

Don't think your another RACE when your not! All your doing is looking like a fool!

Don't walk around the office thinking like you won't get canned, so what if your sleeping with a trainer.

T. Cas said...

Here's one. Do not make personal phone calls when you know that every call is recorded. If you do, don't start the call off with, "these dumb muhf*ckers think I'm training right now."

Phil said...

True story for those at low end jobs or who remember working at one:

If you find yourself with a coworker after hitting it from the back in that back office (only feasible position), flushing the trojan is cool, but try not to leave the open wrapper on the paper that I have to make the schedule on.

Very fireable offense...

nikki said...

p, that list is off the chain, sista. i was saying to myself "these CAN'T be true, cuz they're too outrageous"

but folks is stupid so i won't assume the best. LOL

lmao@cas and phil. condom wrapper on the paper? HAHAHAHA

mine: don't think because you're gay and the manager's gay that he won't fire your ass. there is no gay fraternity.

don't think because you're a woman you can talk about sex to your male co-worker. he can make that sexual harrassment complaint just like you can.

P said...

@ Nikki:

I plead the fifth on whether they are true or not.

But you KNOW what department I work in, so. . .

bunny said...

Do not use your corporate credit card while working for the federal government to buy your wife an airline ticket to the training session you are attended because it is her birthday and yall wanted to spend it together and you were going to pay it back when you got paid anyway.

Do not buy said wife a mink coat for Christmas AFTER you were warned about the previous offense and then you cry out to your supervisor that the credit card has your name on it so you thought you could use it any way you saw fit and THEN have the unmitigated gall to say you know I can't resist temptation and further more why would you give me this card if I can't use it the way I want?

Welcome back P!!

Unruly Brown said...

LMAO! Girl, noooo. Scan-da-lous. Just plain scandalous.

SO glad to see you're back!!

LOL @ Phil and all the rest of the stupidity stories!!!

Diva (in Demand) said...

DANG!!! Too funny.

I'mma go not go to a client's site, punch a hole in the wall while calling them dumb and then come back to the office looking at your co-workers like "WHAT?"

Lāā said...

LMAO @ pocket pool...never ever, ever heard that before!

Don't give other employees pain medication by injection and pocket the cash that they pay you, when all pharmaceuticals are logged and counted every day.

Sangindiva said...

When Placing orders for supplies-
Don't order enough for you and your homies-
when the list is itemized and everyone wonders-
why did you order 50 of everything but only 20 of the supplies end up in the cabinet...
NOT a good look.

P.S. I thought I was the only one who didn't do a hottie-recap. I'm glad I'm not alone!! :)

Whirlwind said...

Never eva' eva' eva' do this:

Msnhim said...

LMAO... my boss has committed a few of these... I guess he better be nice to me Huh?

Miz JJ said...

This is too funny.

Don't make up a mock news release making fun of your government department and accidentally mail it to the news wires.

Do not use your company credit card to pay for your cat's chemotherapy, which costs over 10 thousand dollars and then cry that you can't handle the stress when asked about it because you just lost your cat.

Peace said...

I work at a place that manages over a TRILLION dollars for investors. I have never worked at a place that tricks off money like we do.
My bosses make 7 to 8 digit incomes & it's SICK how cheap they are. They expense EVERYTHING. I once saw my boss expense all the Christmas gifts he bought his friends. He attends conferences where he wants to go on vacation - just so he doesn't have to pay for the Ritz he stays in or the 1st class plane ticket he uses. THE MAN EXPENSED MY BIRTHDAY GIFT!
I found out that the folks on his level don't have to pay for parking, dont have to pay any portion of health insurance, the company pays to get their taxes done etc - Wouldn't it make more sense for he people who get paid LESS to have these benefits (i.e. me). Why the hell am I making 1/25 of what you make & gotta pay $50 for parking a month - while you get to park your Range free of charge? That make NO sense to me!! (Can you tell I'm bitter) :)

Peace said...

P.S. Did I mention that he buys the WHOLE row of seats on the plane so he doesn't have to sit next to anyone?? What type of company momey wastin shit is THAT!?!?!

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

lol..p..your are a nut...lying about having cancer to pay your rent....

African girl, American world said...

you see all kinds of things up in HR, don't you? I couldn't make it!

How are you?! You look so pretty at the last get together. So so pretty!!!

P said...

@ Mwabi:

I plead the fifth, but it's a bit much. HR is SO not me. I'm more of a "This is the United States Marshalls, open up the goddamned door". And then burst in and knock somebody to the floor that's the kind of sheeat I'm into. Or like Cheaters "Investigation Day Two". Or, performing Autopsies.

Aah. . .A career after my own heart.

Thank you for the compliment, but I do not photograph well. I am not photogenic and I have pictures and none of the WCBH give an EFF that I don't like them, either.

Supa said...

This is funny as SHIT!!!

Corporate credit cards get a n*gga every time...

bunny said...

Oh yeah I forgot when I worked at the Main Post Office (downtown Chicago) as an NTE (not to exceed) 90 days like a summer job for college students if you will, they had a bar across the street called the Stamp On Inn and many many employees would punch the clock and then hike on over to the bar and not come back til it was time to punch out.

Same job as above, in the locker room,it was this group of ladies, say about 10 or so of them. They would sit at this very long table, one would punch them all in and they would play cards all day long. One would also be designated to go pick up lunch for them and on Sundays they would all bring a dish like greens, cornbread, fried chicken, mac-n-cheese, etc so they wouldn't have to be "interrupted" while getting they Bid Whist on.

Oh and none of these folks got fired cause them locker room ladies, um one of them was a supervisor!

So please be eternally grateful that you even get your mail cause the old school Postal workers ain't no joke!

BionicBuddha said...

Very funny post...I laughed out loud! said...