Narcissism in Women

Narcissism is a personality disorder. I know many folks who throw this term around, particularly when they are referring to men, who they feel are selfish and self absorbed. However, these issues are usually intermittent and are blurted out in anger, a la "You're sooo selfish, you're a friggin narcissist!"

Abusive behavior in men or women can be a function of many underlying issues. Most narcissitic personalities are men. Why, I don't know. But I have recently been intrigued with the personality attributes of the narcissistic female. Like her narcissistic male counterpart, the female narcissists holds deeply held and undisputed irrational underlying beliefs that affect her feelings and behavior.

True Charmers, they are there for you and you for them, because you serve a purpose in their life, because they only care about their self. They can be a wife, mother, sister, or daughter, if everything loops back to them, they are indeed, happy. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, accolades, and anything in between.

This except was taking from "The Female Narcissist" by by Irene Matiatos, Ph.D. Dana, is the acronym used to describe the patterns and behaviors of a female narcissist.

"While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents, husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!. . . She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."

Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people "Dana" meets like her, the more they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention. Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends," but there really are no friends. She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!

Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood. Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims.

. . .Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive observer.

With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthiness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.

When I read this I was chilled to the bone. I thought of at least two people in my life that fit these characteristics. I am overwhelmed. I have witnessed this behavior first hand. Some in high school, some in college, some in the work force and others in personal relationships. I often wondered how these folks could exhibit often identical characteristics and the same m.o. and now I know why.

Do you know any narcissistics? Were you one?

We Interrupt Our Regularly Scheduled Programming

Tam has taken down thatgirltam Forever.

P.

You may continue with today's post (if you wish).

Corporate America Jargon

The language of corporate America is a big dance. It's roots lie in being politically correct, in an arena where what, who, and how you say something can reverberate around the entire company.

In short, it sucks.

What happened to the days of old, where the beauty and color of language was a determinant of your personality, where everything wasn't offensive and deemed litigious? Now don't get me wrong, the expectation that you should be treated, male or female, with respect and dignity should be in place all the time. But the lingo that exists now doesn't change the connotation of things, they are only catch phrases that sound more rehearsed than authentic.

In short, it sucks. These are some of the more common corporate terms that are used, and accompanying them is what is really met.

"Going forward, we will want to approach it this way"
"You effed up and did it wrong, and this is how we want it done from now on"

"We would like for you to spearhead this project"
"We are swamped, we don't want to do this, and if you say no it won't look good, so do it."

"Due to the changing needs of the business, we are re-organizing the department and your position has been identified as a surplus job"
"You are getting laid off"

"Let's table and revisit this for the next meeting"
"I don't know what to do. And I don't like your ideas, either"

"I'm just calling to touch base."
"You're taking too long to get back to me"

"How can we implement best practices within the organization to prevent a recurrence?
"We fucked up. I'm scared."

"Someone dropped the ball."
"Whose responsible? Because I'm not"

"How will this impact us from a business perspective financially?"
"How much is all of this sheeat going to cost?"

"I'm going to defer this to the marketing department"
"This is not my job and why did you come to me for it?"

"I wanted to make sure that you were in the loop on this"
"I want to either make sure you are not blamed for something, or I want you to be accountable as well in case something goes down."

"We're going to have to think outside the box."
"This shit ain't working and we have to come up with something else"

"We want you to develop your problem solving skills for this project"
"This project is in chaos and we don't know how to get out of it"

"You're on the fast track at this company"
"You are a brown noser who will step on anyone to get there and the CEO likes that"

"We are culturally diverse"
"We made our quota of blacks, Mexicans, Asians and women. A few Native Americans, too"**

Those are my lingos for Corporate AmeriKKA. If you don't work in Corporate AmeriKKA, be glad. If you do, be afraid, be very, afraid.

**Note re: Mexicans. That is how all many non people of color see Latinos. Don't get it twisted. They may go as far as Puerto Rican, but not too far.

Do you have any to share? Do you concur with these?

Live, this is P reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.

The Cooldown - Afterword to Turning Up the Heat

Well, since we all know what it takes for us to turn up the heat, I want to talk about some of the no-no's you can do with me, that will have me be SO OVER you. . . Completely, unequivocally turned off! And once I'm turned off, often times I can't get past what was done, seen, or visualized. You're going to have to put in some serious WWF 'The Rock' type of work to get me to forget it, if at all.

So, without further adieu, like to hear it, hear it goes. Here are the things, that will NOT get you any airplay on K-PAT FM. (For the purposes of this, we will have the FM stand for fuckometer).
Bad Breath - You can't even call that breath, you have to call it bad bref. You are NOT going to get to first base with me. How am I supposed to concentrate on anything else when you're humming commin at cha? You cannot tell me someone that is kicking butt and taking names with their breath can't smell it in their throat, or wisps of it permeating in the air and surrounding about them. If there are some hygienic issues, then go take care of that. We won't even go there with teeth, that's non negotiable.

Bad Shoes/Watch: A brother can manipulate his wardrobe accordingly. Often times a brother may have a job that requires him to be more casual than dress, and vice versa. With that said, keeping your wardrobe tight is a must. You don't have to P-Diddy yourself out, but you MUST keep the kicks and watch looking good. Turned over shoes and a Timex makes Jack a dull boy.

Indecisive Mofos: How I am to entrust you as my Captain, the head of the household, if you are sweating bullets about what to do? I'm not expecting for you to have all the answers, and even not to be concerned, but when it comes to decision making (whether it's as simple as making plans to go out, a repair in the home, or as intricate as a divested portfolio, or whether we should upgrade to a new home), I want you to value my opinion and honor me, yes, but don't turn to me like a beaach talking about "Babe, what we gone do?" Take charge of the situation, be the man that I need you to be, in order to bring out the best in me, and so forth. Stop being a punk!

Bad/Sloppy Kisser: Eew. Learn the dance. Rock with me. Lead the way, be dominant, passive, passionate, sensual, soft, rough, any of those variable. But don't jam your (sometimes cold) tongue down my throat, or have a juicy mouth before you even start. The sweetest kisses are sometimes the most powerful, but I'm not Vanessa Del Rio and this is not Porn/Tonguefest 2006.

Ugly Hands/Grooming: Now, let me qualify my statements: I don't want some beeach azz heteroquestionable mofo grooming his hands more than I do, but I do expect for the nails to be clipped (NOT bitten to the quick CLIPPED bitten nails signs of a serious nervous problem you need to handle), lotioned (we're not sharecroppers anymore, it doesn't take much $$ to do this) and groomed. I have a hand fetish, and I understand that men are more manual with their hands, but ugly hands on a wedding picture, as well as and in and around me creep me out.

Talking too Much: You are going to break the mood with "did you like this?" "did you come yet?", 'how do I make you feel?". Too.many.questions, this is not a quiz show. Be authoritative in your stance with me and let me know what YOU are going to do, HOW you are going to do it, and HOW much of it more do I like, and if I'm NOT nice (or naughty, however you want to role play it), then I'm NOT going to get it anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's Ok on occasion to ask do I like it, and how does it feel, because I want you to know what I like and what I want, but not to the point of distraction, and it causes me to break my concentration. Then I have to start all over again, y'all know what I mean.

I think we all have some of the same issues or variances thereof. So tell me:

What Puts you Out Cold?

Nominees for the Dumb Azz Mofo Award

Today, ladies and gentleman, we will be taking nominations in the category of the dumb azz M.O.F.O. (previously known as mutha fucka) awards. These awards are not gender specific, and showcase and profile those in our community who have made a fool of themselves in the art of life. M.O.F.O. Stands for Most Outstanding Foolishness Overall.

I nominate my friend, "Greg Mathers" (The names have been changed to protect the guilty)

Greg is an attractive, six three, two twenty (with dimples - which I would rather call indentations) in his face. He is college educated, who 'had' a six figure income. (More to come on that)

Greg has one child by his ex-wife, Greg Junior, whom he adores. Greg is in love with 'Victoria' his 'girlfriend' of the past five years.

Greg works in the mortgage industry. Victoria is 34 and just started working when she was 28 years old and this is why.

- From 17 to 22 she was going out with what we called back in the day, someone who slangs.
- From 22 to 28 she went out with a professional football player.

Then she gets with Greg. Over the past five years, Greg has given her everything she wanted. And when I say everything, I.DO.MEAN.EVERYTHING.

- Designer Purses
- Shoes
- Trips
- Paid Off her Debts - When his mother had a ten year old Saturn that was giving her problems.
- Co-Signed for her a Car
- Cooked and Cleaned (she doesn't do either)
- Went shopping with and for her
- Paid for her hair and nails
- Bought her a 15K wedding ring and mounted it for another 5K.****

To that you say "What's wrong with that?" I'll reserve my personal feeling for that later.

Hell, no, I'm not going to reserve my feeling for later this is my sheeat right here. Technically, you don't do that much for ANYONE that is not your wedding wife/husband, whateva.

So, again, to that you say "What's wrong with getting hooked up?" Oh, nothing, except for the fact that. . .

- Victoria talks to him any kind of way
- She still maintained what she called a 'friendship' with the football player
- Her pendulum swung in both directions
- She would keep males as 'females' in her phone directory in cell phone (oldest trick in the cell phone book. . .er, at least that's what somebody told me).

Over a year ago, she took a job with his mortgage company with him. She met a guy, 'Evans', on her team (an associate of Greg's), and to make a long story short, what I'll do it tell you what she said or did (in Purple), how Greg responded (in blue), and what was the subsequent result.

"Evans likes me. He buys me coffee every day, He's my friend"
"He is a predator, leave him alone"
Truth: They both are starting to have feeling for each other.

"There is nothing wrong with us being friends, you are too jealous"
" I trust that you will end this relationship and friendship, or whatever you want to call it"
Truth: They talk on the phone, every night, at least through 1 am on a cell phone that Greg pays for.

"We are just friends, we talk on the phone about different things"
"Not on my phone you won't"
Truth: They start talking on the house phone, that is also in Greg's name

"He only came by my new place because he was in the neighborhood"
"He is a predator, don't you get it?"
TRUTH: Greg sees them, on more than one occasion driving down the street together.

"Oh, we just went out to dinner, no big deal"
"For what, why would you take him, If I can take you?"
TRUTH: She tells Greg that she needs some space.

Exit, stage left. Greg leaves his six figure income job of three years because he can't handle the stress of being around 'Evans the predator' to go to another company, where he doesn't know anything about the commission structure. Furthermore, he ends up crashing and burning for the next four months, going into debt, and running into a lot of financial problems.

Back to the story.

"The rubber came off"
"He is so irresponsible, he got YOU pregnant. See how much of a predator he is." You thought he was going to be your savior. He just wants to be me"
"I want you in the delivery room, not him"
"You should. He can just look through the window. You shouldn't invite him in.
"He told me he has been thinking of ways to kill me"
"That's what you get for thinking that he was going to be your savior"

TRUTH: The hell with what she says, she was raw-dogging it from day one. She was at least one month pregnant when he left his job. She talked to Greg through her eighth month, and then in her ninth month, stopped talking to him. I have a co-worker that I work with that knows her indirectly; she never stopped being with Evans and even went to Vegas with him a few times while all of them were still working at the company. The baby was born two weeks ago, and she hasn't talked to Greg for over a month, considering she stopped working, and Evans has been kicking her down.

Now, I can't knock her hustle. Keep in mind, none of this can happen without him co-signing on all of this. This is why he is has been identified as the M.O.F.O of the year.

In addition: Greg found hotel receipts. Victoria told him that she rented the hotel room for friends. Victoria told him she was going to her girlfriends house to hang out for the weekend. Greg told ME "Well, all of her friends are bi, and mess around with each other. . . Well, everyone except for HER, she doesn't DO that, maybe back in the day she did dirt with them, but she is not like that anymore".

Greg totally blames Evans. He says that Evans wants to be him and wants everything that he has.

Well, Greg, right now you don't have anything. You filed for bankruptcy, had to borrow some money from your homies, and now, you are working in a group home, as well as doing valet parking at the airport on the weekends.

****Note re: 20K ring. The jeweler told Greg that he would buy it back from him, (less ten percent)

Greg won't sell it. He.Wont.Sell.It.

This is K-PAT FM's official submission and nomination for the M.O.F.O awards.

Any nominations? Do you concur?

Turning Up the Heat

It's not the pale moon that excites me That thrills and delights me, oh no

It's just the nearness of you

It isn't your sweet conversation That brings this sensation,

oh no It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me

All my wildest dreams come true I need no soft lights to enchant me

If you'll only grant me the right To hold you ever so tight And to feel in the night

the nearness of you

- "The Nearness of You", by Norah Jones

Considering the fact that my hormones are raging right now, I decided to think about the things, that move and get me going. There are so many of them cuz I'm all over the place, but anyway, I'll narrow them down.

Holding Hands: I'm a sucker for that. I love when a guy (that I like) touches and rubs on my hands. I believe that's it's a very intimate act for me and brings us closer. I love to see couples of all ages holding hands. Little children, young adults, seasoned adults, and older folks. I don't smile, but that sure makes me do it.

Rubbing My Back: Love it. It relaxes me, makes me feel warm, and special, and puts me in a state of semi-consciousness. You can can always get away with bloody murder if you do THAT to me.

Rubbing My Feet: I'm all yours if you do that. (NO, I don't have no ugly, crusty, feet, either, I think their kind of purty).

A Nice Bath, with Music Playing: Okay, all you Claudine movie lovers, I probably had this embedded in my head long ago, when Claudine went over Ru's house and relaxed in the bubble bath to the sounds of Gladys Knights "The Makings of You". (Sidebar - If ANYONE has not heard that three minute song, download it. . . One of the best love songs, ever). Even though miss Claudine Price fell asleep in the water, I love it, whether I am anticipating the visit, being bathed by my significant, or reminiscing.

Cradling Me in Your Arms: Well, what better way to get me in the mood then to let me lay on your chest, or in your arms as you sit up on the couch, or between your legs, in your lap, just ANYTHING to make me feel safe and protected, and that's a hard fait accompli to do with a six foot tall woman (that would be me thankya).

Movies: You know what movies. . .Hey, I like them. Y'all can say what you want, but if you get the movies on the right position, at the right time (sometimes I will even re-wind if I am on one), and during the right mental moment, I'm a happy camper. I'm willing to make it a blockbuster night at any TIME! With or without him. HAHAHA, Just kidding.

(Talking to myself) I am kidding, aren't I? Yeah, kidding.

So, readers: What turns up YOUR heat?

Live, this is P, reporting to you from K-PAT, FM, the Pattyopolis Network.

70's Commercial Throwback. . .

Considering in our busy lives we don't have the opportunity or desire, to sit in front of the boob toob anymore, I decided to take you back on some old school commercials, which were really, the best of the best.

Coca-Cola. . . Remember they used to run this ad around Christmas, and all the folks would be holding up candles, or something like that, singing "I like to BUY the world of COKE, and keep it company - That's the song I sing", and then the sung it over? Great commercial!

Calgon - When the lady went to the cleaners and commented on how clean erry-thang was, and the guy was going on and on, and then the lady bursts out the back door and says "We need more CALGON!" Then of course, the classic moment - "Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?"

Palmolive: I didn't know what she was doing in particular, but I knew that I was DYING for my mother to bring home palmolive diswashing liquid so I can what. . .Yes, ladies and gentlemen, SOAK my hands (in a clear bowl, no less), in some palmolive diswashing detergent, just like MADGE the manicurist did for the other women. Don't ack like y'all didn't either want to, or didn't. Please!

Parkay: Well, of course, two commercials come to mind: The first one is the one where the jars of margarine are talking to each other and one is saying "Parkaaay!" and the other one is saying "Butta". I didn't know what the hell that meant when I was child, why would I know the difference between margarine or butter? Then, of course, the other one, which somewhat scared, me was when the woman (in all of her angelic glory - or was it bewitching), saying "It's not NICE to fool with Mother Natcha!"

Pearl Drops Tooth Polish - Y'all betta be glad I can't find that lady. I know you're smiling, you're thinking of the same lady and anybody over 30 is lying if they say they are not! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE SAID, EITHER! Need I say more? It's a race to who gets to say her slogan first in the comments section!

This one needs no introduction: "I can bring home the bacon (Enjoli), fry it up in a pan (Enjoli), and never, ever, ever, let you forget you're a man, cuz I'm a woooman, ENJOLI!" Me personally, being all of about SIX years old, didn't understand what she mean when she said bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan, hell I was thinking "Isn't that what she is supposed to do with bacon?" And why is she so dressed up cooking BACON!?!"

Honorable Mentions:

• Mr. Whipple and Charmin,
• How man Licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll (I can go ALL kinds of places with THAT one, but I won't),
• Libby Libby Libby, on the Label, Label, Label, (you get it),
• Mr. Clean
• (Ho, Ho, Ho) Jolly Green Giant
• OJ Simpson and the AVIS commercial (running through the airport).
• That fine ass man that used to be on the Army commercials saying "Thanks first seargeant, Good Morning!"
• Mean Joe Green and the little boy drinking coke, and he gets his jersey. Yeah, that one.
• Kim Fields and Mrs. Butterworth (who I have a VERY difficult time accepting that she could not talk)

I know y'all got some more. . .Are any on here your favorites? Have any from the 80's you want to talk about?

Live, this is P, reporting to your from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network. . .

The X Chromosome - Afterword to WCBH

Foreword: I want to thank the WCBH for their marvelous storytelling. Supa, Tammy-Tam, Miss Ahmad, One Cool Sista, and The Diva did a wonderful job with storytelling. In your own style, your own way. You may click on the links for a re-cap.

And, I dedicate this post to you. (Okay, enough of that General Foods International Coffee Sheeat).

With that said:

All my life, I have resisted who I am. There are reasons for this, but I choose today to leave them behind.

For most of my life, I have not had good relationships with women. It has culminated into me not having the support system that women should have, present company included. I can readily admit now that it was for many reasons, some of which I am indicating below.

I don't have many positive role models for women in my family. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect to ever be so. But if you saw some of the women (my generation AND back), I didn't look upon them as favorable. I am not saying this to be classist. Let me explain myself.

I don't qualify highly educated, wealthy, successful, baller people as role models in particular. Culture and lifestyle choices did not dictate many women from generations past the ability to achieve that. For myself, I am referring to women who can't even meet responsibilities to themselves. Lazy, addicts, mentally deranged, self absorbed, and anything in between. Just some bizarre sheeat. THESE WOMEN, WOMEN IN MY FAMILY. As a result, I believe I adapted to not having many of them to turn to, subsequently becoming an introvert.

In high school, I had female friends, but most of them were childhood friends. Was never interested in any more after that. Even the ones that I have made from college and beyond. I start to care for them and then pull back. I don't know why.

Well, yes I do.

I think that sometimes, if I am pro-woman relationships, that I am anti-man. Furthermore, and I've always been uncomfortable with women with that (male bashing) thought pattern, and I saw A LOT of that growing up in the 80's and 90's. And I often felt as if I couldn't relate to women, because I didn't have the same feelings about men that many of them did. Not realizing that everyone is NOT like that.

I know this sounds bizarre, but this was how I was feeling, and still struggle with. If I find that a group of women are planning something, I shy away, because I don't want to be involved in a cackling fiasco of a bunch of BBW's (Bitter Black Women).

**Memo to WCBH: I did have a conference I attended this past weekend; I was not cowering in a corner, waiting for your night to be over before I could come out of hiding.** :P

I have often times believed that if I became too close to women, that I would begin to love them too much, rely on them, look forward to being around them. And in that, I didn't want to realized that I was also equally concerned about being betrayed by the very same women that I relied upon. This is the point, ladies and gentlemen, where I begin to pull back. And I now know that this is wrong and I take responsibility for this. Especially if someone has proved their character to me.

So, I kept to myself. I talked to males, and my select few of women friends in my so called inner circle. But even with them. I kept my distance. I developed a pretense of everything being okay at all times. In that, the cost of that has been not having anyone to turn to when something went down, being the caretaker instead of care FOR the caretaker. The impact of this has been limited relationships with the female gender.

I didn't realize, until recently, that I do need women. Trust me when I tell you that this is NO easy feat to admit and type, and I do have the possibility of regressing.

I need them because:

- I can communicate with them for support, guidance, and advice
- I need that dose of ESTROGEN every now and again!
- I can have a good time with them without having to worry about beating that 'high score'
- We can exchange stories, skeletons, w/no questions asked well, not really no questions, you know how WE do it. . .the more, the merrier!
- In loving them, I am allowing myself to love my men better.

So with that, I am creating the possibility for myself and my life, the possibility of loving. Loving the sistas in my life, and loving being around them. Loving the sista girls for who they are - and who they are not.

WCBH: See you on the next go-round.

Live from LA, this is P, reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.

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