Friday, April 07, 2006

The X Chromosome - Afterword to WCBH

Foreword: I want to thank the WCBH for their marvelous storytelling. Supa, Tammy-Tam, Miss Ahmad, One Cool Sista, and The Diva did a wonderful job with storytelling. In your own style, your own way. You may click on the links for a re-cap.

And, I dedicate this post to you. (Okay, enough of that General Foods International Coffee Sheeat).

With that said:

All my life, I have resisted who I am. There are reasons for this, but I choose today to leave them behind.

For most of my life, I have not had good relationships with women. It has culminated into me not having the support system that women should have, present company included. I can readily admit now that it was for many reasons, some of which I am indicating below.

I don't have many positive role models for women in my family. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect to ever be so. But if you saw some of the women (my generation AND back), I didn't look upon them as favorable. I am not saying this to be classist. Let me explain myself.

I don't qualify highly educated, wealthy, successful, baller people as role models in particular. Culture and lifestyle choices did not dictate many women from generations past the ability to achieve that. For myself, I am referring to women who can't even meet responsibilities to themselves. Lazy, addicts, mentally deranged, self absorbed, and anything in between. Just some bizarre sheeat. THESE WOMEN, WOMEN IN MY FAMILY. As a result, I believe I adapted to not having many of them to turn to, subsequently becoming an introvert.

In high school, I had female friends, but most of them were childhood friends. Was never interested in any more after that. Even the ones that I have made from college and beyond. I start to care for them and then pull back. I don't know why.

Well, yes I do.

I think that sometimes, if I am pro-woman relationships, that I am anti-man. Furthermore, and I've always been uncomfortable with women with that (male bashing) thought pattern, and I saw A LOT of that growing up in the 80's and 90's. And I often felt as if I couldn't relate to women, because I didn't have the same feelings about men that many of them did. Not realizing that everyone is NOT like that.

I know this sounds bizarre, but this was how I was feeling, and still struggle with. If I find that a group of women are planning something, I shy away, because I don't want to be involved in a cackling fiasco of a bunch of BBW's (Bitter Black Women).

**Memo to WCBH: I did have a conference I attended this past weekend; I was not cowering in a corner, waiting for your night to be over before I could come out of hiding.** :P

I have often times believed that if I became too close to women, that I would begin to love them too much, rely on them, look forward to being around them. And in that, I didn't want to realized that I was also equally concerned about being betrayed by the very same women that I relied upon. This is the point, ladies and gentlemen, where I begin to pull back. And I now know that this is wrong and I take responsibility for this. Especially if someone has proved their character to me.

So, I kept to myself. I talked to males, and my select few of women friends in my so called inner circle. But even with them. I kept my distance. I developed a pretense of everything being okay at all times. In that, the cost of that has been not having anyone to turn to when something went down, being the caretaker instead of care FOR the caretaker. The impact of this has been limited relationships with the female gender.

I didn't realize, until recently, that I do need women. Trust me when I tell you that this is NO easy feat to admit and type, and I do have the possibility of regressing.

I need them because:

- I can communicate with them for support, guidance, and advice
- I need that dose of ESTROGEN every now and again!
- I can have a good time with them without having to worry about beating that 'high score'
- We can exchange stories, skeletons, w/no questions asked well, not really no questions, you know how WE do it. . .the more, the merrier!
- In loving them, I am allowing myself to love my men better.

So with that, I am creating the possibility for myself and my life, the possibility of loving. Loving the sistas in my life, and loving being around them. Loving the sista girls for who they are - and who they are not.

WCBH: See you on the next go-round.

Live from LA, this is P, reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.

21 comments:

mrs.tj said...

I am with you on that one. I tend not to have relationships with women because they are lying, backstabbing, heiffers that try to keep up with the Jones'. And I tend to like to keep the type of company that are on the same level as myself. It seems like I find more likable friends blogging than I do here in my city.

Men on the other hand are straight forward they either want puzzy or to be just cool with you, but they definately let you know what's up, up front. I can appreciate that.

I KNOW I need women as friends but I make sure to knock it down to a select few, and you bet your last dollar that we are the loudest chicks in the spot everytime. HA!
Holla!

P said...

Mrs. TJ:

You are dead on on your paragraph two. That's what they want, that's what they get.

I think that has been my challenge (and ultimately, if I may use that word) FEAR with women.

Msnhim said...

I feel extremely grateful to have the girl friends that I have.... Those are my sisters by choice and I can't imagine not having them in my life but it took me a long time to build that relationship cause in the past I have had bad relationships with women and I just didn't want to go through it again. I know how you feel but there is nothing like having your girls be there for you when shit gets bad.

Dee said...

I soooo feel you on this one P!!!!!!

I have had some women STAB.ME.IN.THE.BACK.NECK.KNEECAPS. HELL I HAVE MULTIPLE STAB WOUUNDS!!!!!

I need/want healthy relationships with my sisters!!!! I continue 2 open myself 2 them...weeding out the fake and embracing the REAL!!!!

Why can't we all get along?????

Why do we tend 2 get along better with bruthas???

Why can't we just support one another in a positve way?

Well I tell you this:

I'M REAL!!!!

I'M HERE!!!!!

GREAT POST!!!!!

That Girl Tam said...

Well...seeing that we KNOW each other and seeing how I've wanted to call you out on this very subject, I'm glad you did this post.

Lemme say this (and I'm talkin like this only because I love you like a play cousin or the sister I never had) YOU'S A SECRET KEEPIN MUTHA FUCKA!! (I mean that in a good way...wait...IS there a good way to say that? hehe)

I notice when we talk (TALK TALK - not bullshittin talk) how you choose your words carefully and tell your stories leaving holes and mystery behind. And I wonder to myself (the queen of TMI) if I tell TOO much because you tell hardly anything.

I've always been a trusting person (til that Karyn shit went down). And even on the heels of our budding friendship, I remained open because I can't let one bitch ass heffa ruin my relationships moving forward - ya dig??

I'm glad that you are my sistagurl (and the fact that you live down the street don't hurt either). Now that my cooties are gone, can you come outside and play?

On the REAL tho...I'm so truly blessed to have a friend like you. You've seen me happy, sad, depressed, FURIOUS, excited, anxious, SICK, crazy, silly and everything in between and have never judged me (or have you? hehehe) I appreciate your presence in my life and the lives of my children (who ADORE YOU). I am so thrilled that you are a part of my family and I sincerely hope that you GET OVER YOURSELF! Ain't nobody got time fo' that shit...lol

*muah*

P said...

@MSNHIM:

Thanks for the guidance. I could use it in an effort NOT to regress, which is always on the cusp of me.

@Dee: I have never even gotten that far to get stabbed in the back because I'm so freaked out on female relationships. But I shouldn't be that way.

@Tam: Gee, thanks for airing the dirty laundry. That's what friends are for. I was kinda hoping that you wouldn't figure that out, but considering you are the witch you are, I am supposing that it was going to come up one way or the other. Stop ack-en like I don't tell you things, I DO tell you thangs. . .for the most part.

And the drama in my life. Hell, where do I start. And where do I end. . .It's never ending. And it's hella skeletal.

One day, Tammy-Tam, one day.

AND DEN, AND DEN. . .

Leave it to you to leave the nicest message - AND THEN TELL ME TO GET OVER MYSELF.

Smooches right back at you.

@All y'all:

So what I got a little emotional with y'alls postings and what not, the moment has passed. Carry on.

That Girl Tam said...

Yeah...whatever man...you tell me stuff (but leave holes in the story - like names and details) That's aiight tho...I ain't no pushy bitch...wait...am I? HAHAHAHAH!! Well, I guess I am SOMETIMES (shut up).

That's ok...I still lubs you...

Miss Ahmad said...

Girl if you don't have me over here all hormonal and wiping my eyes!

You have just described me to a Tee in many ways. My healing with women friends is an ongoing process, I think that's why I got blessed with four sisters..

girl you just came with the absolute truth ruth!
whew!

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

I agree that some women can be manipulating, but the friends that I have stand out in a crowd and I thank God for them. They are just good, honest, fun loving women. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I know that I am blessed, because I have heard the horror/backstabbing stories. I’m thankful not to have had that happen to me and I pray that I never will!

Those are beautiful women. It is just so good to be able to put a face with the name (smile).

Have a great weekend!

Dee said...

heeeyyy maybe Tam may be on 2 sumthin.........maybe I am a lil 2 open!!!!! I tells all my shit!!!! Hmmmmm got me thinkin!!!!

Supa said...

Hey P,

Acknowledgement is always the first step. The more real you are about all your "shit", the more realness you will attract in your life - sistafriends, and otherwise. I'm blessed to have some real-ass sistas in my circle, we all go waaaaay back. Ride or die chicks, feel me? Sisterhood is a positive thing.

It's all love, boo! Can't wait to hook up during the next WCBH fest!!!!!

P said...

Supa:

You mean I'm fake? :(

Stephanie said...

cool blog!!

Supa said...

SHUT UP GIRL, naw that 'aint what I meant!!! lol

Meaning, your acknowledging certain feelings that have influenced your relationships w/women in the past.

Silly.

Cocoa Girl said...

Dayum... there goes my "ya'll black b!tches is all alike" post for tomorrow...

JUST KIDDING!

I've always had lady friends. Now, granted, we do bring MUCH unnecessary drama, but they're great for support. And not all women stab in the back. I'd urge you to give more of us a try...

That Girl Tam said...

You's still a secretive mutha fucka....but I appreciate the fact that you opened up to me on Friday (FINALLY DAMMIT!!!) You know I got yo back gurl...I'll cut a mutha fucka for you if you need me to!!! And you KNOW what I'm talkin about!!! (inside thang) You mah dawg...

::sniff, sniff::

Awww girl...come here and give me a hug - but crouch down ok?? I don't want my face all in your tig-o-bitties! HAHAHAHAHA

P said...

@ Supa:

K. Jus check-en.

@ Tam:

:P I know, you are a ryda. I figured that out (well it was CONFIRMED) on Friday. . .You kind of surprised me. And, I know you are still hot at him who will remain nameless. And, I mean you wasn't playing. I was scared FOR HIM.

You are like inch high private eye or some sheeat. . .

nikki said...

p, you're definitely not alone in this. i've always been hesitant about starting friendships with females, not only because of the cattiness, but also because i felt i didn't measure up, like i wasn't pretty or feminine enough to hang with females (i was and still am a tomboy).

it wasn't until i started volunteering with young female teens that i realized how important female friendship really is, and it's important from an early age.

all of the things of which you speak, the nurturing, the upliftment, the sharing...all of that stuff comes from the bonds of sisterhood. when i saw those young teens bonding with each other in such a way, it made me sad that i didn't have many females in my life like that (actually, ANY females in my life like that...)

i've been making more of a concerted effort to maintain the female friendships i've got now. i think it's so important for women to be real with each other and have each other's back. i'm tired of brothas saying "you know females can't be friends...you sistas are too back-stabbing..."

congrats on the insight. i hope you continue to foster those relationships. i know there are sistas out there who appreciate your friendship.

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

i hear a lot of femails also say the same thing..they have a selected few friends...interesting...

Unruly Brown said...

I don't know if it's because of the type of person I am, the unpredictable nature of my temper, its volatility, or what is is, but I have a wiiiiiiiiiiiide circle of sistafriends, all of whom I somehow remain close enough to that we don't feel like strangers, but I don't have to be super-selective when it comes to choosing friends because the ones who ain't about shit, are two-faced, scandalous, on some steal-yo-man type bull--they get to know enough about me to know that they realize they don't want to go there with me. Those are the ones who've disappeared over the years. I chalk it up to their having a brief season in my life and it was time for them to move on for whatever reason, and it's for the best. Those who remain make up my support system and I theirs. I have a partially written blog post that I plan to finish this weekend on a similar theme. I need to finish that!

I too appreciate beautiful sistafriends like those I have met while blogging, and I'm just really sorry that I don't have more time to blog-surf these days and keep up with all of those I appreciate, admire, and care about as much as others do. I just hope y'all blame it on my wicked to do list and my time limitations--not my heart or mind!

Beautiful post, P!

J. G. said...

Tam is so right you do leave a lot of stuff out!!!! But I love talking to you because you don't judge and you listen. I have told you this before that I'm glad to have you in my life especially in this time of need and support.

I don't have many girlfriends because like Tam I've been done wrong, but I am willing to let some of you in.

P Thanks for being you!!!