The X Chromosome - Afterword to WCBH

Foreword: I want to thank the WCBH for their marvelous storytelling. Supa, Tammy-Tam, Miss Ahmad, One Cool Sista, and The Diva did a wonderful job with storytelling. In your own style, your own way. You may click on the links for a re-cap.

And, I dedicate this post to you. (Okay, enough of that General Foods International Coffee Sheeat).

With that said:

All my life, I have resisted who I am. There are reasons for this, but I choose today to leave them behind.

For most of my life, I have not had good relationships with women. It has culminated into me not having the support system that women should have, present company included. I can readily admit now that it was for many reasons, some of which I am indicating below.

I don't have many positive role models for women in my family. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect to ever be so. But if you saw some of the women (my generation AND back), I didn't look upon them as favorable. I am not saying this to be classist. Let me explain myself.

I don't qualify highly educated, wealthy, successful, baller people as role models in particular. Culture and lifestyle choices did not dictate many women from generations past the ability to achieve that. For myself, I am referring to women who can't even meet responsibilities to themselves. Lazy, addicts, mentally deranged, self absorbed, and anything in between. Just some bizarre sheeat. THESE WOMEN, WOMEN IN MY FAMILY. As a result, I believe I adapted to not having many of them to turn to, subsequently becoming an introvert.

In high school, I had female friends, but most of them were childhood friends. Was never interested in any more after that. Even the ones that I have made from college and beyond. I start to care for them and then pull back. I don't know why.

Well, yes I do.

I think that sometimes, if I am pro-woman relationships, that I am anti-man. Furthermore, and I've always been uncomfortable with women with that (male bashing) thought pattern, and I saw A LOT of that growing up in the 80's and 90's. And I often felt as if I couldn't relate to women, because I didn't have the same feelings about men that many of them did. Not realizing that everyone is NOT like that.

I know this sounds bizarre, but this was how I was feeling, and still struggle with. If I find that a group of women are planning something, I shy away, because I don't want to be involved in a cackling fiasco of a bunch of BBW's (Bitter Black Women).

**Memo to WCBH: I did have a conference I attended this past weekend; I was not cowering in a corner, waiting for your night to be over before I could come out of hiding.** :P

I have often times believed that if I became too close to women, that I would begin to love them too much, rely on them, look forward to being around them. And in that, I didn't want to realized that I was also equally concerned about being betrayed by the very same women that I relied upon. This is the point, ladies and gentlemen, where I begin to pull back. And I now know that this is wrong and I take responsibility for this. Especially if someone has proved their character to me.

So, I kept to myself. I talked to males, and my select few of women friends in my so called inner circle. But even with them. I kept my distance. I developed a pretense of everything being okay at all times. In that, the cost of that has been not having anyone to turn to when something went down, being the caretaker instead of care FOR the caretaker. The impact of this has been limited relationships with the female gender.

I didn't realize, until recently, that I do need women. Trust me when I tell you that this is NO easy feat to admit and type, and I do have the possibility of regressing.

I need them because:

- I can communicate with them for support, guidance, and advice
- I need that dose of ESTROGEN every now and again!
- I can have a good time with them without having to worry about beating that 'high score'
- We can exchange stories, skeletons, w/no questions asked well, not really no questions, you know how WE do it. . .the more, the merrier!
- In loving them, I am allowing myself to love my men better.

So with that, I am creating the possibility for myself and my life, the possibility of loving. Loving the sistas in my life, and loving being around them. Loving the sista girls for who they are - and who they are not.

WCBH: See you on the next go-round.

Live from LA, this is P, reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.