Friday, April 21, 2006

The Cooldown - Afterword to Turning Up the Heat

Well, since we all know what it takes for us to turn up the heat, I want to talk about some of the no-no's you can do with me, that will have me be SO OVER you. . . Completely, unequivocally turned off! And once I'm turned off, often times I can't get past what was done, seen, or visualized. You're going to have to put in some serious WWF 'The Rock' type of work to get me to forget it, if at all.

So, without further adieu, like to hear it, hear it goes. Here are the things, that will NOT get you any airplay on K-PAT FM. (For the purposes of this, we will have the FM stand for fuckometer).
Bad Breath - You can't even call that breath, you have to call it bad bref. You are NOT going to get to first base with me. How am I supposed to concentrate on anything else when you're humming commin at cha? You cannot tell me someone that is kicking butt and taking names with their breath can't smell it in their throat, or wisps of it permeating in the air and surrounding about them. If there are some hygienic issues, then go take care of that. We won't even go there with teeth, that's non negotiable.

Bad Shoes/Watch: A brother can manipulate his wardrobe accordingly. Often times a brother may have a job that requires him to be more casual than dress, and vice versa. With that said, keeping your wardrobe tight is a must. You don't have to P-Diddy yourself out, but you MUST keep the kicks and watch looking good. Turned over shoes and a Timex makes Jack a dull boy.

Indecisive Mofos: How I am to entrust you as my Captain, the head of the household, if you are sweating bullets about what to do? I'm not expecting for you to have all the answers, and even not to be concerned, but when it comes to decision making (whether it's as simple as making plans to go out, a repair in the home, or as intricate as a divested portfolio, or whether we should upgrade to a new home), I want you to value my opinion and honor me, yes, but don't turn to me like a beaach talking about "Babe, what we gone do?" Take charge of the situation, be the man that I need you to be, in order to bring out the best in me, and so forth. Stop being a punk!

Bad/Sloppy Kisser: Eew. Learn the dance. Rock with me. Lead the way, be dominant, passive, passionate, sensual, soft, rough, any of those variable. But don't jam your (sometimes cold) tongue down my throat, or have a juicy mouth before you even start. The sweetest kisses are sometimes the most powerful, but I'm not Vanessa Del Rio and this is not Porn/Tonguefest 2006.

Ugly Hands/Grooming: Now, let me qualify my statements: I don't want some beeach azz heteroquestionable mofo grooming his hands more than I do, but I do expect for the nails to be clipped (NOT bitten to the quick CLIPPED bitten nails signs of a serious nervous problem you need to handle), lotioned (we're not sharecroppers anymore, it doesn't take much $$ to do this) and groomed. I have a hand fetish, and I understand that men are more manual with their hands, but ugly hands on a wedding picture, as well as and in and around me creep me out.

Talking too Much: You are going to break the mood with "did you like this?" "did you come yet?", 'how do I make you feel?". Too.many.questions, this is not a quiz show. Be authoritative in your stance with me and let me know what YOU are going to do, HOW you are going to do it, and HOW much of it more do I like, and if I'm NOT nice (or naughty, however you want to role play it), then I'm NOT going to get it anymore. Don't get me wrong, it's Ok on occasion to ask do I like it, and how does it feel, because I want you to know what I like and what I want, but not to the point of distraction, and it causes me to break my concentration. Then I have to start all over again, y'all know what I mean.

I think we all have some of the same issues or variances thereof. So tell me:

What Puts you Out Cold?


Unruly Brown said...

LMAO @ BREF! You sho right too! lol
I cannot stand indecisive mofos and sloppy kissers either. My other issue is with financial misfits. I can't see it!!

Cool AC said...

All those things turn me off plus 1...Boring azz mofos!! Make me laugh please!! I can't stand dry azz conversation or a dude who is so super serious. Relax, chill, have fun, crack a smile.

P said...


Yeah, if you are sitting up trying to philosophicize so deep I could have been snuggled in my bed alone - or elsewhere, lose the number, bro.

Cool Sis:

Very scary to deal with a guy like that. My friend knows a guy he is a fireman, but he's always into some kind of get rich (Carlton Sheets, Long Distance, Amway, Prepaid Legal, etc side gig) that crashes and burns every time. That's fine and dandy can't knock a hustle, but all those decisions at once, makes her nervous. What if we were married to you, would you buy the beans for a beanstalk, too?

That Girl Tam said...

Ummm...I vote for ugly teef, ashy hands/feet, funky bref that smells like ASS, a mutha fucka actin like he knows more than me - talkin bout shit he KNOWS I don't know about (nor do I giveafuck) and a dude with a NOSEY ASS, NEEDY MAMA!

Miss Ahmad said...

i do not like pot heads, i don't like men who smoke pot and let their lives pass them by. that is not sexy for or to me!

I don't like no kinda mysogonist. no kinda wanna be pimp ass, sit around and let some woman do the work ass man! super duper turn off.

i am totally turned off by men with bad manners, which includes but is not limited to not knowing how to partake in a formal dinning situation, not knowing how to dress (come on man at least one pair of dress shoes,and stank ass attitudes...

i am totally turned off by social creeps!
men who don't know how to mix and mingle, have a drink and strike up some good conversation. that is a pre-requisite to being grown! if you can't hold your own at a party without holding my might find yourself getting the cold shoulder!

and please don't be the one too drunk, too loud or too flirtatious at the party either..cuz that ain't fly.

Bad tippers are probably the worst...says allot about a person's character to me if the man can't do the math to leave a decent tip!

ooh I just had a flash back! I better stop now!

Anonymous said...

HAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY get off MJB hun....Mary can have nice things anyway u comin back to my side of the block or what?

Brown Suga Chell said...

Thanks for stopping by my spot...All those things turn me off too but one thing that I CAN NOT stand is a lazy man. Get up and please do something!!! Now don't get me wrong, I like to stay @ home sometimes and hang out, but not all day, everyday. That sh*t gets old quick.

Carmell said...

i can't think that far back!!!lol

no ambition. for NOTHING!

Jaimie said...

You're so funny.

I don't like men who try to look prettier than me. Man the ef up! I also don't like men who try to make me talk during sex to boost their ego. Uh, no, you're not my daddy.

Sangindiva said...

I'm gonna co-sign on ALL of what you guys said...
But I'm going to add a lazy in bed nigga-
I MEAN DAMN can you put some motion in the ocean??!! We can't BOTH just lay there! *smh*
What happened to when I move you move?!?!
it takes 2 for the horizontal tango...

and P- thanks for workin out the video sit-chi-ation...
you know I be needin' to know da bizz-nass!

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

LOL, this was a great list and pretty well sums it up for me. I can't really think of any thing else to add.

I hope you've had a great weekend!

Frog Kisser said...

what about kissing frogs?

NegroPino™ said...

Def personal hygiene is tops
I acn work with a brother with limited wardrobe....
somebody with multiple children by multiple ppl
SOmebody that doesnt wanna do anything.
All they do is go to work and go home and don't do shit..falls asleep in teh movies....then wonders why u always out with your girls

NegroPino™ said...

Somebody that keeps a dirty ass house........

Whirlwind said...

P-LMAO at "wanna hear it go"!! So, here's my song!

1) SHUT THE HELL UP! No need to navigate or narrate , I'd rather masterbate!

2) YOU CAN'T CURE STUPID! Nothing worse than a stupid...and I don't mean that he didn't have a 4.0 or he doesn't have a degree....I mean STUPID!!!

3) YOU'VE GOT TO WARM UP! I am a's been determined...but don't assume that just cuz you heard that, that I'm just gonna lay it all out for you the first time around!!

Ok, those are some of mine...I've got way to many to list.


That Girl Tam said...

See? I told you Wendy was a phreak!!! said...

dirty nails you may work a manual jobs but you CAN wash your hands before you touch my WHITE SILKY DRAWS,
dirty shoes - the can be from payless or your big brothers closet but that don't mean you can't get a rag or tooth brush, some vaseline SOMETHING to clean them mugs up,
Stank - how you going to come over my house smelling like BoDuSy? I mean dang! Wash your ass!
Fake Fools, I don't care who you know, what you trying to do and where you TRYING to go. I've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt and Burnt it! Trying to be all hard core, but when I talk about your shoes your get a tear in your eye? HA!
Soft Men...I may not be all hard core, but I need a dude who is slightly harder than me...if not it would be my pleasure to walk ALL over you! I like a man to BE THE MAN! Ya Know?

Frog Kisser said...

you've been kissed by a frog!

Kissing Frogs: Flagrantly Foul!

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

Hey P,

When you get a chance, check out my "Share A Secret" post for today.

Cocoa Girl said...

Girl...your talking too much did it!!!!!!!!!

Oh, poor grammar is another killer.

Oh, and bad teeth, no teeth or gold teeth.

Oh, and Timbs.

Oh, and Pelle Pelle jackets.

I think I should stop now...LOL

Great post!

Miss Ahmad said...

one lil gold tooth never hurt nobody..and i actually did date someone with a grill. But that was back in Brooklyn and it was the ninties and I was in my twenties...and he was young and tenda.

i am also totally turned off by old guys at the club..that is not a good look for anyone!

don't be my daddy's age at the club trying to pick on me! i don't care what you are wearing or what kinda watch or car you have!

Msnhim said...

I think your list said it all but I will add

!. someone who wants to be with you ALL THE TIME!!

Can I get some space please!!!

J. G. said...

Girl this list can go on and on but the humming breathe is one of the things that kills me can you say tic tac!!!

But the thing that tops is those brothers (all types) that swear they got game, rolling around in mama's car, using their baby mama's cell phones. Those are the ones that just make me sick! Talking about ohh baby I'm gonna take care of you, talking about I'm gonna give you the moon and the stars. Yeah those are the one's I'm talking about, they swear. The one's that don't have jobs, still live with there parents and have fake ice in their ears.

I told you this list can go on and on!

Miss Ahmad said...

okay Janice broke it down for them broke dudes! Those are categorically the worst!

Swear they got something to offer, but all the while they are checking out your spot, peeping your ride and trying to figure out if there's anyway they can fake like a real man until you fall for them!

not knowing their baby's mama would probably pack up their stuff just to get rid of them!

whew! i'm cracking up right here and now!

Dee said...

you covered the basics!!!!

I'm sure you can relate 2 this


I am 5'11" barefoot!!! I always wear heels out!!!! ALWAYS!!!! If you can't look me eye 2 eye with heels on I.DON'T.SEE.YO.ASS!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!!!


" I love 2 chop down trees" WTF???

"how many tickets 2 ride this ride"

"dayum you're tall" NO.SHIT.SHERLOCK. I HAD NO IDEA!!!

"WE ARE THE SAME SIZE IN BED" how stooooooopis is that one????

"once you have a short man you'll be hooked" please stop smoking!!!!

"size doesn't matter" YEAH RIGHT!!!!!

ANY of the above lines will not even get you convo.............

Frog Kisser said...

you forgot my favorite Dee...

"You look like a long drink of water!""

P said...

Dee and Nisa:

Y'all preach, preacha.

Tall girls, UNITE!!

dpm said...

I gotta add sour cream eaters... I can't count the number of women that have completely turned me off when they ordered a side of "sour cream." YUK!
And then there's cigarette smokers. I cain't do it. I mean, we can talk and be friends, but I cain't kiss 'em.
And then there's "Cream Cheese" eaters. That's just nasty!
(I gotta go throw up)