Narcissism in Women

Narcissism is a personality disorder. I know many folks who throw this term around, particularly when they are referring to men, who they feel are selfish and self absorbed. However, these issues are usually intermittent and are blurted out in anger, a la "You're sooo selfish, you're a friggin narcissist!"

Abusive behavior in men or women can be a function of many underlying issues. Most narcissitic personalities are men. Why, I don't know. But I have recently been intrigued with the personality attributes of the narcissistic female. Like her narcissistic male counterpart, the female narcissists holds deeply held and undisputed irrational underlying beliefs that affect her feelings and behavior.

True Charmers, they are there for you and you for them, because you serve a purpose in their life, because they only care about their self. They can be a wife, mother, sister, or daughter, if everything loops back to them, they are indeed, happy. You are no more than the object who provides her with whatever it is she wants and needs: love, admiration, money, encouragement, support, accolades, and anything in between.

This except was taking from "The Female Narcissist" by by Irene Matiatos, Ph.D. Dana, is the acronym used to describe the patterns and behaviors of a female narcissist.

"While she pretends to care, and indeed wants to care, the reality is that she doesn't care. Her world starts and stops with herself. She hides that fact pretty well from most people; especially those who are consistently meaningful to her (i.e., parents, husband, siblings, boss, etc.). Most of these individuals would be shocked to hear this, and in fact would think you're crazy!. . . She relies on her beauty and her charm. She feels good about herself as long as she "has it over" anybody she considers "the competition."

Parents are parents and too often love unconditionally, but friends and acquaintances don't. As a result, while new people "Dana" meets like her, the more they got to know her, the less interested they are in her company. Except, of course, for the young men, most of whom vie for her attention. Other than a childhood best friend with virtually non-existent self esteem, there are no friends. There are acquaintances and those who share her environment as well as the many men who surrounded her - all of whom she refers to as "friends," but there really are no friends. She explains this deficit by rationalizing that her peers disappoint her in one way or another. This one uses drugs, that one you can't trust, the other one is jealous of her, etc. There is virtually no recognition that the reason people who are not related to her or have no sexual interest in her do not like her given how she treats them!

Part of the price Dana pays to manipulate others is the exhaustion required to be "on" much of the time. When caught with her vigilant guard down, she is not nice: often impatient, short, arrogant and condescending, reflecting her near chronic bad mood. Shopkeepers, boyfriends who try too hard and all the not-too-important people in her life who will put up with it are the unwitting victims.

. . .Jealousy is a huge issue. Her own envy is as cut off from her consciousness as Wisconsin is cut off from the Atlantic Ocean. While she has no clue regarding her pervasive jealousy, it is sadly evident to the sensitive observer.

With all these issues, the narcisstic woman (or man for that matter) cannot be trusted. They are not trustworthy - unless they are expending energy pretending to be trustworthy. So, at best, their trustworthiness is inconsistent. Like the male abuser, her moods are unpredictable. When frustrated, the energy demands of being "on" are too great. Her frustration slips away from her - and spills onto anybody unfortunate enough to be in the way.

When I read this I was chilled to the bone. I thought of at least two people in my life that fit these characteristics. I am overwhelmed. I have witnessed this behavior first hand. Some in high school, some in college, some in the work force and others in personal relationships. I often wondered how these folks could exhibit often identical characteristics and the same m.o. and now I know why.

Do you know any narcissistics? Were you one?