Tuesday, May 02, 2006

The Itch is Here! What do I Do?

That was the recent title of an email from a friend of mines. The story of how we became friends (over ten years) is interesting. I met another guy who "John" was with years ago. The brother tried to spit at me, but he had a woman. So, he decided I was too nice to 'play' and literally handed over my number to "John" (who was with him when I met him).

"John" has tried to get with me for years. He ran off and got married about four years ago and cut off contact with me. I understand, though, his wife is pretty jealous, she is a prim and proper church going type of chick. (I go to church so I am NOT making fun of that, I just think she is that way in the strictest traditional form of it. Anyway, he found my old yahoo email (aquaboogi), and we resumed communication.

The following is a sequential order of communications that we had. Black is the brother, pink is P.

The itch is here! What do I do?
Hmm. What do you mean?
U know that itch… that u get here and there
I think that we all get it love. You just have to channel your energy and think in another direction

NAH! Man I gotta a story for you... but I don’t know if you can handle it!
You already know I can. I’m a ryda.

Man…. It’s crazy! My wife wants me to find a woman to join us in a lil something something!

RU Serious? I have a few questions? Is your wife bout it bout it? Do you think she is curious? What do you think about it? Do you plan on doing it? Did she approach you with it? After you tell me I will give you my opinion.

She is just curious on that level... She aint leaving me. I think it’s cool that she is comfortable with herself like that. I may plan on going thru with it. She approached me with the idea. We talk about our sexual fantasies... we real open like that. But NO other dudes will be in our lil thang thang!

Hmm. I beg to differ. Nothing wrong with role playing and fantasizing. But bringing another person into your sacred institution sounds like opening up Pandora’s Box. In my humble opinion. You DO know that that stuff is not one time only kind of thing. One you get started it’s like lays. Can’t eat but one.

Its all in control and moderation. If you have no control over yourself don’t step on the field to play ball. Kinda like messing with the happy leaf... if you can’t understand to do it and still be motivated to do stuff don’t mess with it. Especially if your soul is weak.

It's not going to happen once. Wait a minute. ARE YOU ASKING ME TO DO THIS?!?

Nah! That’s all you have to say?!?!?! As long as you took to respond I figured u has a lil speech for me. But we know the girl and she is very interested but she does not have any YING or YANG feel me?!?!?! J she gotta a lil onion but no YING YANG and that’s my visual stimulant when I am doing my thang? Smell me?!

It’s not going to happen once.

Maybe a couple of times with the girl but after that …. No mas :)

It sounds like you already have this planned out, so why do you want to hear what I have to say?

I still to run it by a level headed person. Do have nobody to talk to about this.

"John", I love you. I have known you for over a decade. I am not judgmental because it is not my job to be. There are many blemishes and flaws in my life that require addressing and it is my responsibility and job to look over them and examine them. With that said, though the thought of bringing another partner into a relationship sounds incredibly appealing, I do believe the risks outweigh the benefits.

The institution of marriage is sacred. It is holy. And the laws of it should be upheld. That’s not from my perspective, that is what I get from Elohim, the Lord. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I must obey the Lord. Every time I haven’t (and that is a daily occurrence), I have had to pay the consequences of my actions.

Let me speak to you from a practical aspect.


You don’t know what you can control and master once you have reached within the Pandora’s Box. That’s like someone smoking crack, and believing they can be the one that does not end up hooked. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, spoke with a family focus group right before he was executed; he indicated that he was addicted to magazines and movies, and that at first he controlled it; then it controlled him.

When will enough be enough? Will you want to do it again with another girl (you can’t honestly say no). What kind of invisible tear will this be to your marriage? Marriage is hard enough without involving someone else in the equation. Will either one of you trust each other the same? How can something like that strengthen a relationship? Will it open up a bevy of other suggestions (you don’t know because you haven’t tasted it, no pun intended).

From a moral aspect:

You are responsible for the navigation of that household. The male sets the standard, the pace, and the course of the relationship. It’s your job to remain responsive, responsible, and logical even in the face of temptation. Any man can go astray, even in an open situation. But it takes a steady man, to stay true to what is. But I can’t measure that because it sounds like something you have already made your mind up on.

All money ain’t good money. All ideas ain’t good ideas.

You know if you run this by me, I am not being critical or judgmental. But you also know that I don’t give you what is the most positive or popular answer. I give you me.

P

Now that’s the P I know and love thanks for your words!

What do you think? Have you thought about it? Have you done it? You can post anonymously if you wish. . .

23 comments:

Dee said...

been there done that!!!!! i would never do it with my husband though!!!!!

The "liar' and I talked about is for about 3-5 weeks.........i asked a friend just because i was comfy with her and she said YES!!!!! we did it twice and had a ball both times!!!!!

She and I had a long convo and so did me and the "liar"

there was the whole trust.that.they.will.not.creep.behind.my.back.issue

they BOTH assured me that they would rather walk.through.hell.than.betray.me.like that!!!!! LOL it was fun, glad I had the experience!!!! would I do it again.............HELLOUS.YESSSS!!!!

I missed all this while I was in my 20's i'm making up for time lost!!!! LOL

Dee said...

oh yeah I forgot it's the whole VOYEUR thing for me!!!!

P said...

Dee:

Nothing I say on this posts counts for you.

You're a phreak.

You're just straight bout it!

Unruly Brown said...

Nah, sis, that's too throwed. It's not for me. Would never so much as consider it.

P said...

Hey:

Have y'all seen the little handicapped sign near the word verification box, how cool is that.

Anonymous said...

You gave your friend great advice without judging him. Had it been me, I probably would have gone off on him. In my opinion he is really putting his marriage in jeopardy by considering the menage. Just too risky.

Me? Yeah I tried it once in college. The guy was mine and the girl was a friend ... it was actually kind of boring ... probably because he had too much to drink and couldn't perform like he should have. I would never do it again.

nikki said...

i've never done it, although i tried to set one up (we were only dating, though).

in a marriage? that would be a toxic addition. no way i could trust my man if he willingly participated in something like that and vice versa i'm sure. i'm way too territorial for all that.

i think you did the right thing. if he's your friend he'll understand that you're being candid and honest because you care and not because you're trying to spoil his fun. if you didn't give a damn, you'd be like "that sounds great! have a good time..."

hell, i wish there were more folk out there like you who just told it like that, even though it sounds like your boy had his mind made up anyway and was just looking for a co-signer.

NegroPino™ said...

NEver....been approached but Im too shy....and reding them books and seeing htem movies aint no help either cuz in the end somebody leaves somebody...

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

yup..Dee is a phreak...nobody ever listens to me! HAHHAHAHA

And yo, WHAT IS UP with the handicap sign??? HAHAHAHA

Aunt Esther Anderson said...

I'm proud of you for taking the stand P. BUT,I'd tell you do not pour a whole bunch of energy on someone looking to salve their ego again. These 'reachbacks' are all abou the "John's" of the world and not about the "P's". You got too much going for you to be propping some sorry brother up. As the old folks say "letitalone"

Whirlwind said...

Well, here we go. I'll share my opinion, experiences, observation and current life.

Opinion, I think it's fine as long as the lines are solid, black not grey, and both sides of the coin are viewed and reviewed. Meaning...don't do it if you are "half" into because your other half is. If you do it, make sure that there is no grey area like "well, since we did it I thought I could do it on my own", talk it to DEATH...make sure all angles are looked at...but know that they never are so when you get stuck by one don't say you weren't warned.

My experiences, yeah...I've done it. With a long term love whom I love no more. It was a high pressure situation to do so, the rules weren't engraved in stone so when I broke one of his unwritten, he intentioinally broke my standards. Going back to the whole "well we did it, so I thought I could do it".

My observation: I watched it destroy a married couple. Absolutely destroy it. Most brutal events surrounding this type of thing that I have ever seen.

And in closing I'll share one of my most challenging aspects of this type of "playing". I play that way...I have, I do, however you want to say it. Just recently I fell in love with someone to whom I did not hide who I am. He came to me and asked that as long as I was with him, that I be WITH him only.....of course I said yes, not that I'm changing myself, but because I do not need anyone but him. That's the bottem line....if you get all that you need, you need no one else.

~W

Good Gawd...sorry for the long ass comment! Should have just posted it my damn self!

P said...

@ Aunt Esther:

I didn't give my opinion, until he asked for it. One of the reasons why he used to call me for conversation was that he wanted my objective opinion. Usually when he talks to me, I know what he wants. I really don't like giving unsolicited advice; That's why I refrained from commenting until he said he wanted to hear from me. And again, it was my opinion, which is what he asked for. And opinions are like assholes, everyone has them. :) But you're right. I said it, it's not etched in stone. I said my peace (or is it piece?) and that's that. Like you said and I commented. He has already made up his mind what he wanted to do, yanno?

@ W:

You already know I don't mind long posts. That's par for the course for me!

Tuesday, May 02, 2006 12:46:46 PM

mrs.tj said...

Wow! Real Talk...i would never want to do it with a woman, I would do it with hubby and another man in a heart beat...with out thinking about the consequences. I LOVE my hubby to death and I would never want to have my love put a crazy test. Stuff like that causes problems. PERIOD! I can't even possibly think of all of the problems that could cause. Instead of even going there and worrying about the problems later...I perfer to not even go there! HA! DEE IS A FREAK! holla!

Whirlwind said...

Hey P....

Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!

Said in my best WHITE GIRL Charm...(ya'll knew I was white right?)...YOU ROCK!!!!!!

~W

p.s what IS up with the handicap sign on the word veri?

Cocoa Girl said...

Nah, girly, NAH!!!!

P said...

@ Whirlwind -

Your welcome Your welcome your welcome your welcome your welcome your welcome your welcome your welcome.

It was the no contact email that was the deal with you, ya feel me?

I saw your comments and I was like, yeah, she would be ONE of them.

Yep, I knew you were a Snow Sista, but you know it's all love around here!

T. Cas said...

I cant imagine going there with someone I am supposed to be committed to. It just seems like something you do before you meet your wife. I have never done it either and I think that casual sex period of my life is gone, so I probably never will.

jen said...

You did good at handling this situation. I can not imagine ever being in the couple that takes part in the menage. I would beat a bitch down for touching my man, no matter what we agreed on before hand. It would seem like all fun & games until I saw the girl actually come in sexual contact with my man, then it would be all punches in the face from that point on.
However, I think it would be fun to be the outsider on the whole thing, be the 3rd. But, I would also worry that I would feel bad when I had to go home with no one and they got to stay with eachother.
I think it would be fun though, something to try. The couple would have to be hot though. I wouldn't lower my hotness standards just because it's a special situation!!
The weird thing is, that I know a couple who have taken part in this type of activity before and now the husband always comes up and hugs me and kisses me on the neck. It's kind of strange cause his wife is right there, but they are freaks like that. She couldn't care less as long as he's not doing it on his own!
#2 White Girl Speaks... :o)

Miss Ahmad said...

10 years ago I would have had a totally different approach and story to tell, but today I am a firm believer that I myself am far too crazy to be involved with some shit like that!

first off it's not safe, emotionally or physically.

second of all dudes are just having it their way far too much. So you mean to tell me that church girl upped and decided she wanted to shag a chick?

No Frigging Way!

She's feeling pressured to keep her man! Take him to a strip club or some shit like that but keep other broads out of the marriage bed!

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

Dang P...you over here stealing all my white friends...LMAO! HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I ain't forgot that "one of your charmed friends" comment EITHER! Heffa!! HAHAHAHAHA

Miss Ahmad said...

I like way Jen said she would "beat the bitch down" Jen you sound like you could be my white friend any day!

Carmell said...

nope. i haven't thought it and i have never had the desire to share... i'm selfish like that. plus i don't want no female touching me sexually. and i'd have to beat her down if she touched my man.

Msnhim said...

ooh my favorite subject! LOL

Ok ok, I dont know about haveind another woman in my bed... now another man is a whole different story.LOL.

I think in every relationship especially when you've been together a long time couples look outside the relationship to spice things up. I think if the couple makes the decision together and they are both comfortable with it then I say "live and let live"


Oh and I notice the Handicap sign yesterday! I thought I was seeing things. LOL