Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"I Know You Are, But What Am I?"


"And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient" (Romans 1:28)

4:45 am (Riiinnnnggggg!)

P: Hello

Family Stone: "WHERE MOMMY AT, WHAT IS HER CELL PHONE NUMBER?"

P: (In a semi-comatose voice) "Excuse Me?"

Family Stone: "P, I don't have time to play games with you, what is her cell phone number?"

P: "You don't call my house at 4:45 am drilling me, Beeach!" (BAM - hangs up the phone).

Well not really, "BAM", because cordless phones don't give you that type of effect, but y'all get the point. :P

4:46 am: ((RIIIINNNGGGG!))

P: The number is 555.1212

RIIINNNNNGG 7:00 am: Hi.

P: Hi, Ma:

Ma: Did you call the Family Stone a Name?

P: Yes.

Ma: Have you ever did something wrong before?

P: What does that have to do with anything?

Ma: You shouldn't call her names, she doesn't know what she is doing.

P: That's not my problem.

Ma: You're right. But what if it was an emergency?

P: What did she want?

Ma: A copy of her birth certificate**

P: That's not an emergency. Folks only call that time of the morning with bad news, usually death. So what's your point, Ma?

Ma: Just don't let her affect you. You are supposed to set the example by being a Christian.

P: Being a Christian has nothing to do with this. I have to go to work! She called and woke me up!

Ma: Just don't let her affect you, okay? I don't want you to get upset over this mess.

**Re: The birth certificate. For those of you that have not been reading long enough, my sister asks for her birth certificate at least half a dozen times a year. If you want to know the history of my sister, click on the links regarding her. Why the hell is she always asking for it?

The bottom line is, my mother is both wrong, and both right.

She is wrong in that she didn't say, at any point, that it was wrong for The Family Stone to call me at fo in the mo-nin. I felt like, she (and my father), were once again, making excuses for her. (that's another post).

She is right in that The Family Stone is not going to change. I have to change. Getting mad and calling her a bitch didn't change the fact that she called right back and I gave her the number anyway. I have to manage this, not anyone else.

I will tell you, however, that something in her voice triggers anger in me. You can read the previous post, but in June it will have been four years since she skipped off on her kids and has not seen them. Again, check previous posts for her profession and drug of choice. I did get mad because I see what it does and has done to them (they live with their father, which is okay, but he's two sandwiches short of a picnic himself).

This 4:45 phone call was different though. She sounded the same, but I could hear the streets in her. I could hear death and destruction. I could hear a life wasted. Her life has been spared so many times, but I think the cat's lives are running out. I am not sure if I'll ever see her alive again. That angers, and upsets me. My parents hold out hope, I'm sure her kids don't want to, but the streets own her.

She has to be accountable for her life. And so do I. Because of that, I can't get upset and try to make her not call. For as long as my number remains the same, she will call. She is a provoker, and instigator, a hooker, an addict. So, I have to transform myself. To be even keeled, unaffected, relaxed, and resigned to her fate. It's not easy, but I'm willing to do it, for myself. And divine intervention is needed for both myself and her. But for me, I will accept it. Whatever she does, that's on her. Trust me when I say I have NOT enabled her. I don't put money on books, I don't accept collect calls, and I don't hook her up. But I do get mad at her, but not anymore, not after today.

**Sigh** and y'all wonder, why I have issues bonding with the X-Chromosome.

Flying high in the friendly sky, Without ever leaving the ground, And I ain't seen nothing but trouble baby, Nobody really understands, no no, And I go to the place where the good feelin' awaits me, Self destruction in my hand, Oh Lord, so stupid minded, Oh and I go crazy when I can't find it, Well I know I'm hooked my friend, To the boy who makes slaves out of men. - "Flying High", Marvin Gaye.

Live and Sleepy from LA, this is P reporting to you from K-PAT FM, the Pattyopolis Network.

22 comments:

J. G. said...

Wow girl I know that this must be really hard for you to deal with because you knew who she was before all the drugs and choices she has made. I think that I would re-act the same way if I were in your shoes.

There is this girl that lives in the apartment next to me she has a lil boy I would say he is about 1 going on 2 if that. Well her mother left to live in Colorado she took her grandson, this girl was suppose to leave the last time her mother was her last month but she didn't. She continues to live in an empty apartment because she has gotten herself in some mess, yes drugs. It breaks my heart this girl was medium size and now she is beyond skinny the last time we spoke she said that she lives in her closet doesn't eat. At this time she said that she was ready to be where she needed to be with her son, well that didn't happen.

Now when I see her she kind of hides doesn't really show her face. I feel so angry at her and I know that the day we do bump into eachother its on.

Cocoa Girl said...

Dayum, girl.

I just read your post from back in February and instantly thought of all the ways I would boot her out of my life.

Needless to say, I have a few issues when it comes to family that effs up, but am finally starting to get over it.

I cannot imagine the anger and resentment you must feel toward her. It's one thing when somebody screws up, but actually acknowledges their role in it. Yet, she seems like the type to always blame someone else. A born user/mainpulator.

Your parents are enabling her...by taking her calls and everything. I think you're on the right track...by screening her out of your life AND by vowing to not be moved to emotions over her anymore.

I almost feel as if your parents pawing for her helps fuel her bullshyt. It's like, it helps her believe that she can always fall back on home and others.

I wonder how differently she'd act if she thought that everybody just did not care anymore. Not that they didn't love her, but that they were just totally indifferent to her mess...just said "Hi...you're in jail...oh, well that's unfortunate. Say, I gotta go shopping. It was nice hearing from you. Take care of yourself."

She seems like the type that needs an audience. So, I wonder how she would feel if you just deadpanned every time she called - you know, just answered her questions, sans emotion; gave her the information she wanted, and then hung up.

I wonder how you'd feel, too, knowing that you did not waste emotion on someone reveling in their squander.

Your sis has made choices. She has a family willing to help retain her life and she still chooses death. I think you have done enough. I just don't think she is going to come around until she feels out of options...back against the wall/rock bottom theory.

God blesses all of us...including her. She must be willing to ask for help, which means that she must also be willing to acknowledge that she needs it.

Sorry for the book...

P said...

@ J:

Folks like that have no accountability and no responsibility to anyone, including to their own person.

@ Cocoa:

I just realized that I DON'T want her to call me, but I can't change that, which is why I have to change me. And by the way, I DON'T do anything for her. And I can't change my mom or dad, that's their problem, too. But see, that's not my child, and I don't know how they feel. It must not feel swell to see your child in over four years and don't know if the next call is the last one. But again, not my issue.

By the way, people being unaccountable for theirselves and their actions is an ENTIRE nother post.

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

Dang...I see Janice and Cocoa are channeling with you and those LONG ASS comments YOU usually leave!

I will keep this short...despite the fact that your mother makes excuses for her (because that's what mother's do - I do it too), she IS right in the sense that you shouldn't let your sister get you wound up...it does you NO good and it doesn't change the fact that she IS who (and what) she IS...

I'm sorry that she still brings about a sting when she's in the picture (even if only for a few seconds). Let it go...the anger and frustration serve you no purpose. She is NOT going to change. Remember: Remove all emotion and treat it like business. It makes the pill a whole lot easier to swallow.

Love ya!

T.

P said...

T:

What Pill?

St. John's Wart??

The Phoenix aka ThatGirlTam said...

HAHAHAHA 350 mg BABY!!!

Today's post is up...

Cocoa Girl said...

True that, P. I/we don't know how parents feel. I just get so angry about it sometimes. It's one thing if it's someone you don't care about. But when it's family, it's a whole nother ball game. There are so many emotions involved.

Whirlwind said...

Everyone else has touched on the Family situation so I'm going to inquire as to this....

What does calling her a beee-atch have to do with being a christian? Isn't it christians who are the first to label things like "devil's music", "Jezabell (sp?)", "Harlots", "Sinners", etc, etc....you are no less of a Christian because you used a word (which words are dead anyways)in a time of frustration and fogginess as it was fo'am? Forgive yourself and let the rest of them find forgiveness of you....that's on them not you.

But you knew that!

~W

Supa said...

Sorry, boo...

Blah Blah Blah said...

Inevitably I am gonna say the wrong damn thing....

so let me think...hmmmmmm, what should I say....

ok, I know...
I love your template...I thought about doing something jazzy with mine...bud-da...naw, I didn't.

ok.....
hmmm...

Eff it! I am prolly the worst person to leave a comment about this suject 'cause I have a tendency to be "done" with a person. So I don't understand the anger. My answer to everything is EFF YOU!!! (well the real eff not this fake eff I am commenting you) So I would have prolly told her...Eff You trick!
....bud-da, that's not constructive is it?...yea, no...it's not. Ok...maybe I'd say...nothing. Yeah, that's more my M.O....passive aggressive and childish.

ok...that's all I have to say abou THAT!

So...where'd you get your template? lol
ok...I am done.

Msnhim said...

Let it go...... I know its easier said than done but holding on to that anger wont do you any good.





PS. Family can be a reall Pain in the ASS at times.

Miss Ahmad said...

P I know it's hard but I promise you I would do anything to hear my sister's voice just one more time. That space she left in my heart when she passed is as big as the world sometimes.

you have a right to feel however you want to. there is no right or wrong when it comes to feels, just do the best to be your best!

and get your fine ass to my house on saturday so i can see your new ride:-)

P said...

@Cocoa Girl & Sup: Thanks for looking out for a sista.

@ Whirlwind: That's what I told my mother. One has nothing to do with the other.

@ Blah: Yup. I concur.

@ Nisa: It ain't new, new but 'tis new to me. The Phoenix is all exaggerating and sheeat.

By the wait, I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO GARLIC!

chele said...

Your sister sounds like my sister. However, after 30 some years of trickin' and druggin' and runnin' she finally has her life together. Well, let me rephrase that ... she's no longer a hooker and she doesnt drink or do drugs and she's saved. But, she has a hard time keeping a steady job and she's always behind in her bills. Baby steps, I guess.

We don't have much of a relationship and I'm pretty ambivalent about the whole thing. I resent the fact that now that she's straight she expects the whole family to welcome her back with open arms and to drop everything whenever she calls. My younger sister won't even speak to her at all and she can't understand why.

I don't know. I'm glad she's okay but our relationship isn't what I would call 'loving'.

P said...

@ Chele:

Thanks.

@ Er-body:

Can you please re-read Chele, and that tells you how I feel.

Sangindiva said...

Dang P-

I understand on so many levels...
I just say:
forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for you.
Forgive so that YOUR heart won't be angry and
you miss out on something good for you-
because of HER... SHE will never realize all that you
have lost and how you hurt because of her.
Forgiveness is for you...

Brown Suga Chell said...

This was a deep topic…real deep. My cousin Lisa is the same way. She has 6 kids, by different men, and is pregnant again. She doesn’t speak or even see any of them. She lives the life of the streets like your sister and we don’t see her wanting to stop anytime soon. We can’t stand it, but what can we do? You can’t help someone if they are not ready to be helped.

We have to love her b/c she is family, but we don’t help her in any way. We do the exact same things as you…no money on books when she gets picked up, no helping the bad habits at all. A lot of the family doesn’t even acknowledge her when they see her around town asking for change.

It hurts my heart to see her like this. I can relate to what you and your family is going thru. It’s like you see the road she is going down and you want to help her, but you can’t. You can only help yourself, and do whatever you need to do to make sure you remain a strong person. You have realized that allowing your emotions to enter the situation have not helped things.

I know that she is your sister and deep down in your heart you love her, or the emotions would not have been there. I’ll be praying for you and your family, and please pray for mine. Keep your head up Ma. :)

LadyE said...

Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate all the feedback that I get. I feel you on dealing with family members who have addiction problems. My mother and father both have them- the sad thing is that the rest of my family has no idea how this has affected my siblings and I. Its crazy, they tell me its a sickness, but I dont buy that cuz I have seen people overcome. Maybe we could discuss this further later. I hate to see someone in the same situation, but just know that you are not alone.

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

LMAO! I know good and well the Family Stone did not call your mom tattling on you. WTF??? That is hilarious! I wish one somebody would call me that time of morning and its not an emergency. They will get cussed out to, LOL.

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
African girl, American world said...

girl....I cannot believe your Mama was mad at you. I know thats her baby but still.

Love ya Girl...keep ya head up!

Jaimie said...

P:

As you have never dealt with the abuse issue personally, I have never dealt with the drug addict personally (well, except for ex--but that was alcohol), but I do know one thing about addicts: YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT.

It didn't matter that it was 4:45 in the morning. You don't matter to her, and neither do her children, job, etc. Real addict for sure.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

P.S What is that little handicapped sign for down below?