Wednesday, February 01, 2006

"Friends" How Many Of Us Have Them?

Ugh. Go Away. . .

All of us have had them. That who you used to call friend, who is now more of an energy taker than a giver.

I'm so not feeling this chick no more.

Let me say from the onset, that I do understand the purpose and meaning of a friend. It's generally a win - win relationship. But often times, friends have to do what friends do, which is step in during the bad times for support and encouragement, or applaud and commend, and praise during the good times.

I have a 'friend' (herein referred to as 'L'). Well, I have been knowing L, since I was in the fifth grade. We lost touch for quite awhile and have been back in a regular routine for several years. She is divorced with three kids and is a schoolteacher.

I just cannot connect with this woman.

It's not because of her marital/children status. I must admit, she has overcome alot because of her childhood and anything (and I do mean anything) that you can think of that she has went through, she has been through it. . .

But because of that, she has created layers of issues, that, she even readily admits, pushes people away. I have dealt with it for years and years, but I am at my wit's end. Here are some examples.

L's thoughts and opinions of herself:

1. She constantly tells me how people marvel at her ravishing beauty.

2. She constantly tells me how she believes that the lighter complexioned sex hasn't had to deal with as many problems as others because of their complexion. (WTF?)

3. The next man she wants to me, she wants him to have no children (HUH?!?). Her current beau has three children, like she does, and she's always complaining about the time he has with them.

4. She constantly tells me that people think she is a brick house.

5. Her ex is a loser. She is alwasy griping about him.

P's thoughts and opinions of the aforementioned:

1. She looks okay by most standards. Ravishing. No. But I do know that she was the darkest person in her family, and her creole born and bred Southern grandmother used to mock that. But her grandmother was a psycho. I don't expect for her to have know that as a child, I just wanted y'all to know that. Her grandmother is someone that she used to live with because of her drug addicted parents.

2. She has color issues. Period. I think she has self esteem issues when it comes to the lighter side of our peeps. Bottom line. She always has. It's to the point of indignation. I have to tell her on a regular basis that there are innumerable issues that all have went through, and that it doesn't all trace back to color. See, I never had to deal with it either way. I'm brown complexioned, as you can see by my sexy legs perched atop my desk.

3. I'm not saying that she shouldn't keep the dream alive (sidebar: Big ups to Coretta) about wanting a man with no kids, but she is being unrealistic. I am not saying that it can't happen, but the poker chips are not stacked in her favor. Frankly, and I'm just trying to keep it real, if I were a brother, I sure wouldn't want a ready made family. As for her man now, she is just an attention whore who wants him all to herself. Stop being lame.

4. To keep it simple, I'm just saying, for the sake of fairness, that she is VERY er, slender. Yeah, slender. Brick house, yah, no. I'M THE BRICK HOUSE (hehe Inside joke at Tam & Mwabi)

5. Listen, I might alienate some folks here, but her ex husband ain't no joke, but she provokes him, I have seen it with my own eyes. I have know him longer than I have known HER! Plus, she saw the warning signs before she married him, that's nobody's issue to face but your own. And the warning signs were HUGE!

Furthermore, she is one of those friends, that uses the topic of conversation, to shift to something that's all about her. I'm almost afraid to answer the phone sometimes, because I know she is trying to get the pleasantries out of the way to get to her issues.

And about her issues. She makes trouble for herself. Things up to and including:

1. Showing up late two hours to her hairdresser, and getting mad because the hairdresser tripped and said that she couldn't take her until later.

2. Asking me would I participate in Career Day, and when I told her I would check my schedule (read: ASK MY SUPERVISOR), she calls back and says everyone is looking forward to me showing up for career day.

3. Calling me asking me can she pick me up and drive her other car home from the shop. Then when I get to her house, she tells me she and the kids are going to go to the mall down the street and get some cookies. Hello, can you get those after you take me home, so I'm not sweltering in your car?

4. I tell her that I'm cooking rice with broth and she says "White or Brown" and I tell her white and she says 'Girl, that has no nutritional value, you know we are not getting any younger!" All the while she's scarfing down Doritos on the other end. Not kidding.

5. Getting frustrated at her administrator because he marked her down for leaving early during minimum day. (Listen, teacher's have bankers hours as it is, okay, believe me when I tell you he prolly gave her an inch - and she took a mile).

She is very hyper sensitive, takes everything seriously, and you end up qualifying your statements to her before she calms down and realizes her error in judgment.

If you wonder "Why are you still friends with her?" Well, she does have her good sides. She loves music, as I do, she is funny when she can be, and she has an uncanny insight, and I love her oldest daughter to pieces. But that is overshadowed by all the issues she has.

We all have issues. Regardless of our upbringing. But she alienates people in her life, and she doesn't see how and why. In short, she is pure-dee getting on my last nerves.

I don't know if I should approach her with it, or just leave her by the wayside. I have actually discussed with her what I think is a developmental opportunity with her, and she concurs, she just doesn't act on it. I know that I am not perfect and have many flaws. But I accept and admit them. It's difficult to do that. But I can't move on until I do.

**EDIT** **EDIT** This is also a girl, who, after telling me that her boyfriend is less than endowed, he was sitting on the bed, and he wanted some, er, oral fun, and she said "Oh, this is fine, I should have no trouble with this". I repeat: "Oh, this is fine, I should have no trouble with this." I'm like McHello, that is rule #1 in relationship 101 why would she shoot him down like that? She said it was all in fun, I said (and pardon my french), that YOU don't mock or make fun of a man's DICK". Ever! Her boyfriend told her that she overanalyzes everything and that sometimes he doesn't want her to "Rubic's Cube" his question, he just wants a yes or no. She has friends that move out of state and do not call her anymore. I mean, I'm not the only one.

What I wanna know, is, do you have an L (no, not the "L" word, you phreaks) in your life that drives, or drove you nuts? What do you do about it?


That Girl Tam said...

Hmm...I think there might have been a period in my life where I was the "L" in this story - although not quite as extreme as 'ol girl...

You already KNOW the kind of friend I am (as you've seen and experienced for yourself). Plus I have a low tolerance for bullshit (already got my fair share, thankyouverymuch).

Me thinks you should make one more attempt to tell her that she's workin your FUCKIN NERVES and she betta get her shit together (hehehe, but that's just ME). If you give her one last opportunity to switch it up, it kinda absolves you of any wrong-doing if you later decide FOR SURE that this isn't the kind of peeps you wanna associate yourself with. You can still love her and her daughter, but sometimes you gotta do that shit from a distance.

For the sake of your sanity and the fairness of what is obviously a friendship (no matter how strained), get it out in the open like a grown up...maybe even put a time frame on it (in YOUR mind - you ain't gotta give her no ultimatum)...if nothing changes or it gets worse...send her off with blessings, happiness, love and peace of mind - and go on about your business!! You got ENOUGH shit in your life without her suckin the life outta you...

I have spoken...carry on.

P said...


Should I know the kind of friend you are?

Bloggers - please feed me I think my February cafeteria pass is going to get revoked.

Tam: Any points for being black during Negro History Month?

PS: Tam, that's the dinner chick that kept sweating me to come to her dinner even though I told her I had other plans.

Ooh: Tam, I just added a comment - re-read. I will put it in all blue.

Supa Sister said...

If the stressors of the friendship outweigh the good, then I'd say, "send her on, with blessings" like Tam said.

African girl, American world said...

gurl I don't have the patience anymore - I swear. I'm enjoying not having L's in my life cause I cut all them heffas lose!

That Girl Tam said...

You know WHAT heffa?? I'mma kick you straight in the neck...(hold on, lemme grab a chair) HAHAHAAHA!! ASS...

YES HEFFA, you SHOULD know what kind of friend I AM...ewww...u make me sick. Talkin all that shit...I'mma end up givin your cafeteria pass to the stalker (eww)hahahahaha NOT FOR REAL!!!

I'll be the FIRST to tell you I ain't got ANY tips on being black this month...or any other month for that matter (heffa) (((rollin my eyez @ you)))

LMAO @ the last part...yeah, you had left the best part of her story out...makin fun of that man's little...err..umm..his stuff. HAHHHAHAHA

Serenity23 said...

I do have an L. And it's tough b/c she is Tyler's godmother. It's not that she is a bad person or anything, she just won't seem to grow up. And the older I get, the more I feel like we have grown apart. It almost drains me to talk to her these days. But I do for his sake and b/c she's always been a good friend.

Single Ma said...

OH LAWD, YES!!! I had an "L" in my life. We were friends from 8th grade to mid 20s. She blamed everyone else for her problems, always associated her faults with something that happened in her childhood, and was EXTREMELY senstive. It felt like I was walking on egg shells to spare her feelings all the time.

For some odd reason, I think the childhood association is what initially drew me to her because I could relate at the time, but she forgot to grow up when we graduated high school. There's only so much pointing the finger at others you can do without evaluating self. I believe she has a good heart, but our friendship slowly deteriorated over the years. Then again, it could have been the last time she slammed the door in my face cuz I didn't answer MY phone in [her words] a timely manner when she needed me (lol). HAHAHAHA I wanted to give her a beat down that night!

My other girlfriends and I still laugh about that to this day. We neva understood why she was such a drama queen. I hate to say it but she literally drained the life out of our friendship and I'm glad it's over. I have no hard feelings, but I pray that she finds peace within herself.

I believe a true friend should add joy to your life, not take away from it.

Carmell said...

i take a vacation from that person. depending on how pissed i am on how long the vacation is. this one friend of mine i've known since the 10th grade. well senior year she pissed me off and i didn't talk to her again for 1 year. then we were cool for a while and then 3 years ago she pissed me off again and wee didn't talk for 2 years. shes working on a another vacation as we speak. shes reminds me of L but not as extreme. my friend is very head strong and thinks its cool to voice her thoughts on everything when sometimes you just want her to listen and thats it. i have a mother. i sure as hell don't want another one.

Dee said...

I am going through this now!!!!! This gurl is so FREAKING negative ALL.THE.DAM.TIME!!!!! I sat down and made a list of all the positive and negative things.........the negative out weigh the positive!!!! The only thing that SUCKS the big one is that we have sooo many of the same friends.if I cut her ass off it will be hard because one of my GOOD friends just moved next door to her!!!! BOOO!!!! so I have decided to cut back on the phone calls etc...etc... everyone seems to notice but her!!!!!!

I did let her take me to El Toritoes last Friday for happy hour (her treat) cause shit I figured she owed me that.LOL

sit down Ms. P and compare the good to the bad and figure out if she's worth the energy!!!!! Good luck MA!!!!

Lāā said...

I know that I have been an 'L' before. Hell, I'm still growing out of it, but I'm not nearly as bad as your friend.

She probably doesn't even know that she is having this affect on others because no one has told her. Some people bring the conversation back on themselves because they have nothing else to talk about and want to appear like they have a life too.

If you tell her what her problem is then either she will shape up or you'll get the vacation from her that you need.

P said...


I think at some point, as I seem to notice, some of you were an "L" at some point or another. Maybe I was as well. But it seems to be a phase ONLY for all of you in one state or another.

Tam: I'm really surprised you were an "L" at some point. I guess I didn't know you when you were a bigger H.A.M. than you are now!

Mwabi: You'z just clean as a whistle, considering you let go of all the negative energy. . .

Single Mom: Why come friends like that always have the nerve to get mad when they don't get what they want, and worse off, call themselves slanting the story in their favor. She has done a variation of that, too.

Based on what Supa, LaaLaa, KB, and Dee are saying, I should measure and weigh the pros and cons and see what it weighs out too. Hey I'm a Libra, I should be good at this stuff!

LaaLaa: You are right. In many instances, she has said that she didn't know that is what people were thinking. I tell her "Yeah, you've done that and that wasn't too cool".

Her ultra-sensitivity just unnerves me. I guess that's based on her background, but how long is she going to let that swallow her whole.

I am so feeling Serenity on the catch 22. I remember when her daughter was born, but If I have to make a break for the best interest of maybe even all involved, then that is possibly what may have to be done.

I guess it's time for a vacation from her.

Will keep all of you posted.

That Girl Tam said...

Yes Big, I've been an "L" before. But over the years I've evolved and have grown into the person you know NOW. Personal growth is a constant journey for me - and if you ask people (like Marie), they'll tell you just how far I've come.

Taking a break from "L" doesn't mean you're not her friend, it just means that perhaps you've outgrown her and now its time to re-evaluate your friendship and the type of friendship you want to maintain with her - (or whether you want to maintain one at all). Regardless of her upbringing, that burden is not YOUR responsibility, nor is it your duty to make excuses for her behavior. One day she'll come to know that her behavior has begun to push people know I'm still trippin off of her light skinded issues...shit we got issues too!

P said...


That is some flipping good advice.

I hope your back gets blown out this weekend, fo real!

That Girl Tam said... DARE YOU take a day off to celebrate me going to Vegas for a fuck fest marathon!!! Why come I emailed u and I got the auto-reply??? Eww...

Dal said...

First things first. I just stumbled on your blog and the picture said STOP!!!

what up to Long Beach?

I am not a fan of the L type chicks. they are mad stressful and its funny that once you bounce awya from them you are so tired that yu just can't deal with anyone else for a loooong time.

Nice blog.
Dal GetIt

The Sarccastik Variable Why said...

your friend sound funny...i got a good laugh out of the rice story...which one? WTF?!?!? are you eating some...well then it don't doritoes...i hate them kind eating chips but telling me about dietary nutrition....that's comical...good post...that reminds me of my friend....the 34 yr old' have the heart to tell's his dream...