Monday, March 27, 2006

KPAT-FM's All Time Greatest Spankings

All this talk about Justin X and his current troubles, coupled with what Miss Ahmad had to say about getting in trouble has got me to thinking of all the horrific things that I got caught up in as a child. Well, I shouldn't say horrific, actually, considering I was a moderately well mannered child (or, at least I thought I was).

I think there are three times in my life that I've done things that are absolutely ridiculous. Sidebar: Whether or not your believe in parents spanking children is not the issue here, so if you take issue with that you are welcome to take it up with Fox News Sundays, Anderson Cooper 360 , or America's Black Forum.

So, I've listed my top three eff ups that have landed me in the hot seat (pun intended). I've left out the resident not coming inside on time, calling long distance number you didn't have any business doing, and not doing your chores. For me, these are the top three doozies:

Eff Up Number One: Second Grade. I went with my mother to my sisters junior high school Open House. Me, being me, and the baby of the family that I am, they were showing off all of my sisters awards and what not, and nobody was paying attention to me. I tried to get her attention, and she paid attention - to a point. But bottom line, she was there for my sister's open house. So, again, me not understanding the consequences and repercussions of what I was about to do, proceed to do something that is going to really get her attention. SO, I proceed to sit down on the floor (over my pleather coat), and pee. Yes, ladies and gentleman, not only did I pee on my pleather coat, but right on the floor of the library. My mother saw it seeping out from behind the jacket. Needless to say, I got it, and I got it good when I got home. I actually thought I was smooth sailing because I had taken a bath, dried off, and put on my clothes. My father spanked me that night. That was actually the first and last time that he did so (remember, I wasn't like a Bebe Kid or anything - I was pretty good).

Eff Up Number Two: Third Grade, Age Eight. This is the one that I call the grand-daddy of them all. Chucky, the neighborhood Billy Bad Ass, was across the street throwing pennies in the street. Of course, people were running into the street, grabbing them and waiting for more. I wasn't outside; however, I WAS witnessing what he was doing from the second story window of our house. Once again, me being the attention whore child that I was. I wasn't being the center of attention, decided that I wanted to 'one-up' him. So, what do I do. . .I go into my oldest sister's (18 years) room and grab her jar of silver dollars, gold coins, etc., and proceed to throw them in the air. Of course, this caused some PANDEMONIUM with the five to six kids that thought they had hit the jackpot, who in the fuuuck did I think I was the friggin Wiz making dreams come true or something? Did I mention that my sister's jewerly and class ring were in there, too. Yeah.

Well, who comes strolling down the street, and messes up all the fun. My middle sister (AKA the Family Stone). She was the girl on the block, that everybody was scared of. She screamed for everyone to put the money down and then she told me "Ooh, immatellmama!" I was so scared.

My mother was pissed. She called all the parents of the kids who had the loot, and dragged me to all the homes (they were on the same block) and had me retrieve the goods. Then I got spanked from one house to the next.

Yeah, I had that one coming.

Eff up number three: I was in the seventh grade, and my BFF at that time was Kim. She asked me to come over after school, and I said okay. (Nevamind that my momma told me to come straight home). But I liked Kim's house because they always had good sandwich bread and meat and we could have BBQ Lays chips and drinks. We went to her house and watched the Edge of Night, ABC Afterschool Special, then Video one, and then hung outside and played for awhile. Around six thirty, Kim's mom came home. She told me that she would take me home in about an hour. So about seven I decided to call my mom (FOR THE FIRST TIME. . .SCHOOL LET OUT AT 2:45 and let her know that I would be home around seven forty five. My mother was hot. She was like "You are going to get a whooping when you get home". I snickered. In my mind, I was like "Yeah, right, what YOU gone do, I'm twelve years old, okaaayy?" Man, as soon as I got in the door, it was on. . .That actually, was the last spanking I ever got. I don't even think that was a spanking, that was a whoopin.

So, readership, now it's your turn.

What sit-chi-a-shuns have gotten your behind in hot water? Spanking or no, I just wanna here the eff-ups.


nikki said...

1. i stayed out past the time when the streetlights came on. we were playing football in the street and i was too competitive to stop before the game was over. eventually my little brother comes running up the street talking about how moms is gonna spank me if i don't make my way home RIGHT THAT INSTANT.

so uh, fifteen minutes later i'm still out there. that's when i saw her form cresting the hill. she snatched me up right in the middle of the game and spanked my ass right up until we got home...which was about five minutes away.

2. forged a report card. actually thought i could get away with whiting out the grade and writing in another grade IN BLUE INK. parents caught on real fast to that one. in fact, they caught on while watching me play basketball for my school.

i was grounded. couldn't participate in the school play. but of course that didn't stop me. i tried out for the school play behind their backs, got a role, then was going to the practices, telling my parents i was missing the school bus.

i found out my mom knew on opening night of the play. it was just like that scene out of sister act 2 when lauryn hill's character saw her mom walking down the aisle to sit down right as she started singing (moms forbade her to go). i totally forgot my lines. mom snatched my ass up after the play (but she let me finish the other performances cuz i made a commitment).

and those are just a few of 'em. LOL

P said...

@ Nikki:

Girl, you know better than to stay out after the STREETLIGHTS came on, girl!

And that report card. Girl, I'm scared and it didn't even happen to me!

That Girl Tam said...

My mom was leather-belt-with-holes-happy when I was a kid. She was a cold piece...she'd make me get my OWN belt (of course those ALWAYS seemed to come up missing) and I'd be forced to take that long walk down the hall to get the leather belt with the holes from her closet.

1. There was this neighborhood bully...his name was Kerry Fujita. He lived around the corner from me. Funny thing now, he was a little piece o' nuthin - I coulda took him if I wasn't so scared of him! There was an empty field next to my apartment building and mile high tall weeds growing there. I was outside on my porch playing with my dolls when all of a sudden, all my homies came running around the corner talkin bout, "Kerry started a fire in the field!" Well I guess my mom smelled the smoke and called the fire department. Then she marched me in the house and WHOOPED MY ASS (why you ask...because I didn't report the fire to an adult - guilt by association). Then she made me march down to the fire marshall and tell him who set the fire. "Who are you more afraid of? ME?? Or Kerry?? Cuz I'll REALLY whoop your ass!!" *sigh* yep...that's whack.

2. My stepdad whooped my ass because he claimed I was lying. To this day (yeah so what if I hold a grudge - and the man is dead), I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY HE SPANKED ME. My mother went out for the afternoon...I had asked her BEFORE SHE LEFT if I could take my bike out and go for a ride, she said yes. When I got home (and I was only gone for maybe an hour or so), he drilled me on where I had been and WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO TAKE YOUR BIKE OUT - and I told him...he started callin me all kinds of liars and proceeded to beat me senseless. I am NOT kidding. He beat me worse than ANY whoopins my mother EVER gave (and lawd knows that heffa was crazy). In hindsight, he was also an alcoholic...aint no tellin...yanno...

I spent 9th-11th grades on would've EVER guessed that? HAHAHAHA! I only straightened up so I could attend all the games and dances during my senior year!

P said...

Dang. . .Y'all.

Y'all making my behind hurt.

T. Cas said...

I musta been sneaky cuz I never got caught. I remember in 7th grade. I was supposed to do a science fair project. Well, I was allergic to homework so I just never finished it. When the time came to turn in the project, I lied and told my teacher that I put it in the library with everyone elses and that they musta lost it. Looking back, that was the most ridiculous lie I could have told, but I was so convincing that my teacher and my mom eventually believed it. Shit, after a while I actually believed that I did my science fair project. That was the closest I came to a eff up, though. All my other dirt I got away with scot free. I guess there are some advantages to being the neglected middle child.

Msnhim said...

Sorry I was a good kid 0:-). Ok make that a scared kid. LOL My father would just look at me and I would cry so I never really got woop. My brother on the other hand...... he was just always into some shit! said...

i actually can't even think of any good ones. I'm not going to claim to be a good kid, but I wasn't too bad either. I will have to come back to this one.

Whirlwind said...

F'up #1- 3rd grade...Yes, surprise surprise...I got caught looking at a "thingie"! Me and the neighbor boy were doing a little show me yours and I'll show you mine. Mom caught us and blistered my ass with a wooden spoon!

F'up #2 - 5th Grade... My brother and I were fighting, and fighting, and fighting, and fighting, and fighting, Father LOST one wild swoop he had his belt off and was strapping my ass and my brothers ass. He sent us to separate rooms so that he could come in to apologize to us. I love that man......

That's my only two spankings as a if we want to talk about my adult life...well, that's a whole 'nother forum!!!! But if you ask me Spanking or No Spanking...I'm FO'SHO' going to say SPANKING!!!!

Supa said...

Got my last good ass beatin at 13, when i wrecked my mommas brand new 280Z. (it was fly at the time). Long story. Don't ask.

Shiiit, I spent my whole high school career on detention and school, and punishment at home. But yo, I was on the honor roll, so I felt justified.

I was a smartass badass. Surprising?

J. G. said...

My mom use to use the telephone wire thank god for cordless!!!

I think one of the worst wippings I got was by my grandma. We had gone to the Glendale Galleria and I left her side we lets just say when she found me I couldn't feel my back side!!! I learned my lesson.

Cocoa Girl said...

When I was in the 3rd grade or so, I made a comment that I would "knock the sunglasses off [the principal's] face." The hater-ass bus driver over-heard me and said "Oh, really???"

He went off to tell her...

A few weeks later, mom dukes has to pick me up early from school. Back in the day, all child pick ups had to occur in the main office. I am sitting there waiting and praying for my mom to arrive pronto. I see her and jet toward the door, grabbing her hand and trying to drag her out. Low and behold, the principal appears and in this melodramtically sad voice, begins to tell my mom about how is she "so sorry" and "so disappointed" to say, but "Rachel made such a bad comment about me...she's usually such a good student, so I don't know what happened."

I was grounded for one month!

Cocoa Girl said...

Oh, and my last ass whopping came at age 16!!!!

You read right...LOL

Cool AC said...

I have blocked most of my spankings out! LOL! Iuse to hide th big black belt! But I do remember almost getting hit with a pot when I was 15 for having a smart mouth. That led to me grabbing my mom's hand with the pot in it, pushing her off me, and having her chase me to my room and us wrestling on the bed, and then getting kicked out for a week becasue I pushed her. We cool now though! :)

Jaimie said...

Eff Up #2 was hilarious!!!!! mom was out of her mind most of the time so I never knew when she was going to fly off the handle...

My dad has never hit me. Probably because he wasn't around much, so everytime I saw him it was damn near like going to Disneyland. One time I pulled the fire alarm in his apartment building and people were running out of their apartments, clutching their photographs.

He just gave me a stern talking too though. Oops!

"N" Search of Ecstasy said...

My mom was the type that would just lecture me to death, for hours and hours. I can still remember thinking to myself "why won't she just beat me and get it over with"?

She never did, she just kept on talking and talking and talking -- till I was like "gosh shoot me now"! LOL

Miss Ahmad said...

i was mostly on punishment but I think I got three spankings in my life

1) stealing some lingerie at about age 8 (don't ask)

2) photo copying my ass at my grandmother's job and passing out copies!

3) shooting my cousin in the ass with a bb gun!

whew those were hard times! i spent the rest of my years just being on punishment staying in my room reading books! that's how i became such a nerd!

James Manning said...

I was hanging with my cousin in an abandoned church and we decided to mix some chemicals in a pan... well, this was before I knew anything about chemical reactions and spontaneous combustion - BOOM - we got fire. We ran but the lady across the street saw us and called my grandmother.

by the time we got to the crib my uncle was waiting for us. He sat us down in a big chair my grandmother had in her bedroom. he talked for an hour on fire safety. I thought that would be the end of it. But then he went to the closet and pulled a green strap and commenced to wearing our asses out - real good.

Me said...

Belts ? Cords ? whats that? Shit I grew up downsouth .. my mama would make me go pick out my own switches--then proceed to braid them together and beat my ass - wet straight from the tub !

1. I slapped the shit out of my little cousin when we were arguing and left a hand print on her face.. my mother beat my ass so bad I ran out the house to escape

2. I wrote a nasty letter to my boyfriend when I was 12 talking about all the things I was gonna do to him ( didnt know what the hell i was talking about much less doing it) and she found it when she did laundry in my back pocket. Beat my ass

3. I kicked a hole through the wall of our trailer ( you know those cheap ass walls) cause i couldnt go outside and was mad..tried to blame it on my brother. Got my ass beat

I stayed gettin slapped upside the head for various reasons.

I let my girlfriend "tattoo" a S on my thigh with a damn eraser...yes she erased away my skin. I ended up with a scab. my mother told me she wouldnt beat me cause the healing pain was punishement enough.

jen said...

I can't think of any big even that I got into trouble for, but I do remember my last 'spanking'.
I am ashamed of this, but I have a horrible temper.
My Mom and I were arguing on the way home from shopping one day and she reached over and slapped me while she was driving and I reached back over and slapped her. Then she grabbed my arm with her nails and I grabbed her right back and dug my nails into her arm. All while she was driving.
I can't believe I ever touched my Mom like that, but I was going through a lot of shit, and was quite possibly truly insane. That was the last time she ever touched me though. I think she realized at that point that I was too 'adult' to be slapping and that I am bigger than her.
I love my Mom to pieces though, I couldn't ask for a better one.

Me said...

ok jen no offence - but only a white girl could get away with that


Carmen said...

Wow - all of these stories bring back memories...and I wasn't even really bad (really, I wasn't) The first one that comes to mind is when I was about 6. I went to the drugstore with my mom. While her head was turned, I put some candy in my pocket (don't ask me why - I still don't know WHY I did that) but anyway, I did. When we got out of the store, I said, 'Mommy, look what I have..." lookin' all proud. She marched me right back in the store and made me tell the man behind the counter what I did, apologize and then I think I had to tell the manager too. She not only made me embarrass myself, but I got a bad spanking when I got home too. The second one, I was in 6th grade and I had a friend come over, again, don't ask me why but we found it necessary to light one of my fathers cigars...shortly after we lit it, we heard the car pull up...we started to panic and all I could do was put the lit cigar out in the carpet in the and dad saw it, and yes, I was beat.